Suddenly

"Suddenly, I am in front of the lights; scary and beautiful at the same time. And every day, I try just to breathe. I want to show the world the truth inside of me. Suddenly, people know my name. Suddenly, everything has changed. Suddenly, I feel so alive; in the blink of an eye my dreams begin to reign. Suddenly time feels like the wind. It changes everywhere I go and I'm just trying to fit in. Now here I stand and I'm still just that girl. I'm following my heart in this amazing, crazy world." -Ashley Tisdale

It's amazing to me, how quickly things change and how quickly time passes and you forget things were ever different to begin with. Life goes on and for some reason, I didn't know that. I no longer appreciate the constant things in life. I used to favor routine. I would become furious when plans changed because I couldn't handle things being any different than they were. But now, I love something new. The old way I was living was wrong. Maybe not wrong, but just not right for me. Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense.

Suddenly, I appreciate the people who stick around. I needed to stop focusing on the people that brought me down and give more credit to the people that stuck around. The people who are kind and patient enough to understand that I have my moments and the people who help me through the darkest nights.

Suddenly, I see the world in color. You, and maybe you know who you are, held me in black in white for so long. I don't know if you even realized you were doing it, but you were. This fall, for the first time, the leaves shined in beautiful oranges and yellows and this winter I don't think will feel as gloomy. As dumb as it sounds, it feels lavender and not gray. I see the prettiest sunsets and sunrises and for some reason, I just never noticed them before.

Suddenly, I have a desire to create. I want to paint, a lot. So many times that my mood has shifted, I've wanted to paint and, for once, not punch something. I constantly doodle. All. The. Time. And even though people want to pay for my shoes, I will never accept money for them. I love making them too much to make people pay for them.

Suddenly, it's okay to think the way I do. I think that everyone should get a chance to get married to the person they love and to have a family. I think that tattoos and piercings are great. I think that the world should be a kinder place. I think that it's okay to wander around Price Chopper for hours because you can. I think that if breaking bottles helps you feel better, you should do it. I think it's okay not to like the way a person is now. I think that taking steps to better yourself shouldn't be frowned upon. I think that being the black sheep is okay. I think it's okay to be fearless. I also think it's okay to think that anyone that bullies someone should move to Mars. And I think that there is nothing wrong with loving yourself.

Suddenly, I only see the future. Not the past. If you're always looking in the rear-view mirror, you're only going to get into an accident. Don't hold grudges or they'll hold you back.

Suddenly, I am driven by my dreams. I want to go to K-State and become the best large animal vet I can be. Then, I want to move to Switzerland because that is one of the only places I have ever felt at home. Because of all these things, I stay involved with animals. I take a lot of science classes. I study German any chance I get. I try to motivate myself to save money (that's still a work in progress......) so I can move.

Suddenly, I am not afraid. Being a stick in the mud is boring. I actually socialize and don't feel so awkward about it. I go downtown with a bunch of kids and get lost for two hours and still find a way to laugh about it. I"m not afraid to drive downtown anymore either. I dye my hair with Koolaid because I've always wanted to and hope to God it doesn't go completely wrong. I tried to double pierce my own ears; which, in case you were wondering, the whole apple thing from The Parent Trap doesn't work with just yourself. I am not afraid to say things that are on my mind. I don't particularly care what people think because I'll be gone in a few months anyway. I'm not afraid of confrontation. I don't need protecting or defending anymore.

Suddenly, everything will be okay.

Dancing Away With My Heart

"I asked you to dance on the last slow song underneath the moon that was really like a disco ball. I remember my head on your shoulder and hoping that the song would never be over. I haven't seen you in ages. Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you'll always be eighteen, and beautiful, and dancing away with my heart." -Lady Antebellum

Anyone who really knows me at all knows that I despise high school with all of my heart. All I can ever really talk about his how much I love Manhattan and K-State and how I can't wait to get away from this town. Reality is, though, I am a little scared to leave. I've made a lot of memories here. I've met amazing people and lost them too. When I leave, I will forever hold these people and the memories made with them in my heart. Some will remain frozen in my mind a certain way because that's how I remember them best; that's when I felt that person and I were on top of the world.

For me, you'll always be eight or nine. You'll be with me building clubs, eating popsicles and jelly beans, and swimming all day, forever. My memories with you are my childhood; they're the kinds of memories I want my kids to make when they're little. Everyone deserves someone like you.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. Your willingness to forgive and accept me have changed the way I think. You've taught me that not every person out there will run and I needed that.

For me, you'll always be fifteen or sixteen. You and I really were on top of the world then, huh? You've helped me through so much stuff over the years and while we've had our ups and downs, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

For me, you'll always be fifteen. We'll always be in Biology together and we'll never stop laughing. We'll be at VBS and Zona with your brother. Those are the times I wish I could still have with you.

For me, you'll always be sixteen. You'll always have your guitar and you'll always have the passion you project in your music. In my mind, we're perpetual ninjas, tearing up the town.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. You'll always be sledding, driving poorly, and acting crazy when you're hyper.

For me, you'll always be fourteen. You'll be sweet and nice. You'll be the guy that held me and didn't want to argue. You'll be the guy who failed at kayaking with me. You'll forever be the guy that turned 2008 into one of the most enchanting years of my life.

You Already Know

"This bipolar love affair just ain't where it's at for me anymore. So don't let the door hit you when you leave. You throw me in the fire just to save my life. A pretty little liar when I call you out; you'd rather put up a fight than just come clean. Get on your way to making someone else feel low, then higher than they every thought they could go. You already know. I'm giving you up, you're letting me down. Stop pretending that you're going to turn yourself around. You already know. Don't ask me why, you already know." -Train

Why do people lie? I truly don't see a reason for it. If you're afraid the truth will hurt, well, lies hurt worse. If you're trying to cover something up, I guarantee that whoever you're hiding things from will respect you a lot more for honesty. If you're afraid of the consequences that the truth brings, then don't be afraid. The consequences will help you grow. I guess I'm just not understanding why it's so difficult to be honest. If you're truly friends with/in love with/care about/care for someone, you will be honest with them because you owe them that much.

Individual #1, At least you finally admitted your lies. Or one of them. I want you to know that you didn't have to lie. I would have accepted it. But now, you've left me angry and bitter. What else didn't you tell me? I don't know you anymore. And, now, I'm not sure I ever did.

Individual #2, You especially didn't have to lie. Oh, I'm glad you did though. It opened up my eyes to the reality of what you're like. Save the rest of your story for someone else. It's finally my choice to walk away.

Individual #3, On a happier note: thank you for never lying to me! You're so honest. You even tell me the truth that hurts because you didn't want me to hear from someone else. Thank you. That's a true friend.

Individual #4, I don't know why I accused you of lying actually...it was so long ago. We got along so great then, I feel bad for ruining it. I'm glad we're closer now though!

Individual #5, You asked me to be in this weeks post. So. Here you are! You've never seriously lied to me, so your section doesn't have any real relevance. Sorrrrry about it. Just keep giving me hugs! They're my favorite part of the morning.

Chapter Four

"Long days, longer nights. You keep starting fights thinking that you always right. Call you up to tell you I ain't coming home tonight. Say you wanna leave me; it's just talkin' but I know you might. Now get along, now get along, now go. You sing along, now, to every song you know. You play your part, I'm playing mine. You breakin' hearts, ain't breakin' mine. Since growing old is takin' time, I'm acting like I'm eight or nine. Trying to move on and talking to my old friends. See me, say what's up and I'm acting like I dunno them. 'Causing so much problems, why you doing that, doing that? Ripping people's hearts out, you too cute for that, cute for that. We run into each other and it's like we don't even speak the same language. I guess people always going through changes, didn't think I would lose you once I got famous." - Missed Calls by Mac Miller

Individual #1, More on that Spanish class. Probably my favorite memory involves "M". We'll call him "M" for privacy stuff. We used to have marker wars every day that year and the teacher never caught on. We would all throw dry-erase markers at "M" and the second the teacher would catch on someone would yell out: "Stop throwing them at us, M!" and she would buy it. She would eat that up and send him to the safe seat, every time. One day, somebody else threw a metal spoon bent in half at him. I swear, I almost died laughing. Or how about the day that the teacher was reminding us that we had to conjugate certain words differently and I spun around to face her so fast and just spit out: "WHAAAAT?!" and only we thought it was funny? Spanish that year completely solidified the fact that you were my best friend. Lunch that year was funny also! We sat by a certain group of people that was notorious for being loud and obnoxious. Lord knows they would probably "hit me ovaaah the head wit a bottle!" if they knew I said that, too. 

Individual #2, As we got older, you started being more and more of a big brother to me. In 9th grade, when my long time boyfriend and I broke up you met me outside of the school, put your arm around me, and said: "Let's do this." and walked me in. I will never forget that. You have my back, always. I could never thank you enough for that. 

Individual #3, I don't remember when we started getting in fights. And I truly don't know why it's always you and I with the problem. I don't think the blame sits squarely on either persons shoulders; there's nothing specifically wrong or right about either one of us. I just know that I wish we didn't ever argue and stuff. Plus, as I've told you recently, you're the best arguer/debater out there. You scare me senseless with your words, every time. I'll admit that much. 

Individual #4, We do so much silly stuff together. Price Chopper is our current obsession. We constantly go there, but only together. And every time one of us rides in the cart, we always use my Price Chopper Shopper card, and we always use self-checkout. After one of our trips, you were driving me home and we took the long way; through the back of my neighborhood. Suddenly, I saw a trash can sitting outside my neighbors house, full of giant candy cane decorations. I made you stop and I ran and grabbed two of them, one for each of us. So now, we have our own giant candy canes that we sorta kinda stole.. One of my favorite stories, right there. 

Individual #5, While your cousin was still in town, your mom planned this big day out on the lake just playing and kayaking. We got to the lake pretty early in the morning and your cousin and I were paired up for the trip to the spot we were going to rest. She and I were too busy talking about you and our friend that she was interested in (who was also with us that day) to notice that we were drifting towards the rocks. We got to where we needed to be, though we weren't the fastest. When we all stopped, the teenagers started playing in the lake. We had this huge mud fight and it was, honestly, one of my favorite memories. After the whole lake thing was said and done, we all went back to your house. I don't know how we ended up in your brothers bedroom but we did. He had bunk beds, so your cousin and our friend were on the bottom and you and I were on the top. Meanwhile, we shoved one of your other brothers in the crack between the bunk beds and the wall. Now, before you start thinking anything happened, let me say that nothing ever did. We all honestly sat there and talked and cracked jokes. The entire time. Your brother was calling his friends from "the crack" as we called it. Plus, we were all super sunburned and tired. So we watched TV and talked. Pinky promise. Us four got along so well, too. And you and I were getting closer; I liked you more and more each day. That week or so that your cousin was there was one of the best summer weeks I've ever had. I pinky promise that too. 

Chapter Three

"Happiness was just outside my window. I thought it'd crash, blowing 80 miles an hour. But happiness is a little more like knocking on your door; you just let it in. Happiness feels a lot like sorrow. Let it be and you can't make it come or go. You are gone, not for good, but for now; but gone for now feels a lot like gone for good. Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard . Happiness was never mine to hold. Careful, child. Light the fuse and get away because happiness throws a shower of sparks. Happiness damn near destroys you; breaks your faith to pieces on the floor. So you tell yourself, that's enough for now. But happiness has a violent roar." -The Fray

Individual #1, That freshman year, I will never forget. All thanks to you. That summer, I don't remember a lot of exact events. I know that we did vacation bible school together and that was a blast and that we definitely hung out and texted all the time. Sophomore year came all too fast. We compared schedules and found that we had 5th hour Spanish together as well as Theoretical Chemistry the next hour with different teachers. Do I even need to go into how much we hated chemistry that year? We must have complained about it so much. I remember at the start of sophomore year we were so afraid to break a single rule or get beat up. Then by the end of the year, we decided to be purposefully tardy to chemistry because we hated it so much. We felt like such bad asses, I know that for sure. Spanish was a complete party. Honestly, all we did was make memories there. You first got me hooked on Kingsley videos in that class. Remember how hard we laughed during SSR when we watched his "THINGS I HATE" video? It's ironic, now that you're gone, that the memories that were once the funniest, cause the most pain.

Individual #2, We kind of faded in and out as friends once middle school started. Towards the end of 7th grade we became closer. I started liking you again either that summer or towards the beginning of 8th grade. But, now, you had a girlfriend. You were crazy about her, too. However, being the loud mouth that I am, I told you I liked you anyways. I was pretty pathetic about it, if I remember correctly. I just short of professed my love for you late one night, via text message. So cute, right?! Well, it almost was. You reminded me of your girlfriend and claimed that I was more of a sister to you than girlfriend material, in the nicest way possible. I have to give you credit for being nice about it, you really were. I don't remember being that hurt by it, honestly. I might have been. I think I was mainly accepting of it, though. I took that "sister" role and played it like a professional. We continued to get closer as the years went on and we got older. I'd like to think that no matter what happens, I'll always be your sister.

Individual #3, I used to be so envious of you. You knew the right things to wear and say. I didn't ever feel like we were really good friends until one completely random night. I don't remember why we were running from our friend, but we were. You were driving and he was chasing us around the Target/Kohls parking lot. I remember that a shake was thrown at some point? I don't even remember what the shake was for or was from. Eventually, we tricked him enough that we were able to park at Kohls and sprint inside while he was only seconds behind. We ran to the dressing room by all the men's clothes, trying to trick him more. We locked ourselves in the biggest dressing room and fell over each other laughing. He found us anyway.

Individual #4, One of my favorite adventures was the first time we went tagging. We tagged a couple people here and there and then went and found where my boyfriend at the time was paying ultimate frisbee with all his friends. Now, make no mistake, we were professional taggers. We dressed in all black, put war paint on our faces and crept up behind their cars on the ground like ninjas. I was the look out while you and our friends went and wrote on each car. No one noticed a thing. They still don't know it was us. Well, unless they read this now, I guess. Oops..

Individual #5, The first month or so that we were dating were weird. We hung out a lot because it was summer but we never really did anything. We didn't act like we were dating. People had to beg us just to hug; we were shy. I remember once, we sat in my garage for almost two hours hiding from the people that were so happy to see us finally going out. Back then, we were actually allowed in your room. I would come over and we would just sit in your room and talk. You always had so much stuff in there, I couldn't stop asking questions about it. Then, once a couple months had passed, your cousin came to town. I'm always really awkward around new people so I didn't know how this would go. The first day I met her, she presented me with a bracelet and we all decided to walk to Target. By the walk back, she and I were already friends. In fact, she became quite helpful. As we were walking, she suddenly blurted, "Something is wrong here!" and grabbed our hands and put them together. First time we held hands, all thanks to her. It was clumsy and unexpected but a memory, still. After that, things began moving faster.

This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outer space; afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place and as far as we know, we were way before our time, bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake, another bridge to take on the way to letting go. This ain't goodbye. This is just where love goes when words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold. Oh no, this ain't goodbye. It's not where our story ends, but I know you can't be mine. Not the way you've always been. But as long as we've got time, then this ain't goodbye." -Train

Okay, I'm taking a break from telling stories for this week. Some things have kind of gone on this past week and I feel like I owe people explanations; letters. It's senior year for so many of us. Things are starting to change, people are going separate ways, and we start planning our future. I should probably mention that I hate goodbyes. I can't find a definite reason why; I just truly hate the realization that you're separating yourself from someone else for a period of time or even permanently. These letters are to people I'm either forced to say goodbye to this year or to people who I didn't want to separate from but I realize that it's what's best.

Individual #1, You have come to be my very very best friend. Like I've told you before, I can be my complete self around you and you don't judge me at all. Even my horrible singing abilities. Unfortunately, our dreams are going to separate us for a little while. We're both moving out of state. It really sucks. BUT. We're going to keep it together, promise! (#nohomo) And I'll always be there to support you; and I know you have my back too!

Individual #2, I will always always always consider you my best friend. And you will always have a place in my heart; whether you chose to take that position or not is up to you. Some circumstances have separated us this year. I don't think either of us intended to grow this far apart. I sure didn't want us to. Reality is, though, that we did and I hope that one day, things will change. We've been friends for a long time and you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why we can't all be friends. I don't understand what brought us this far apart. And I don't understand what it will take to make things right. Things just have to work out on their own, I suppose. Just know, through everything, I'm still here if you need me.

Individual #3, I kind of saw this coming. Situations like this are always tricky. Here's the bottom line though: You don't have to like what I have to say. You can think it's unnecessary for the next 37847382095783 years. Because honestly? I don't care. I mean that in the nicest way, I promise. I'm going to think and feel a certain way and I'm allowed to express those thoughts and feelings in any way I choose. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not saying anything malicious. Yet, at the same time, you are entitled to think that this blog and what I write in it is uncalled for. That's okay. It makes sense to me why you would think that. However, just because you think that, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing it. I love writing, that's not going to change. I also understand why we can't be as close as we used to be. It, too, makes sense to me. I do, and will, miss you. We had a lot of good times. You're fun to be around, sweet, and understanding. Things happen, though. People change and move on and grow. It stinks we can't be as close as we used to be, but I'd still be there in a minute if you needed me.

Individual #4, I don't know what you have in store for you, actually. I just pray that even though we've gone through a lot of ups and downs these past few years, we stay close when we go to college. This is probably the goodbye I'm dreading the most.

Oh, and "Individual #32?" I didn't know you cared enough to read what I have to say; thank you so much. And I mean that sincerely.

Chapter Two

"Mr. Know-It-All; think you know it all but you don't know a thing at all. Ain't it something y'all when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do. So you take it down like another pill to swallow. Mr.Bring-Me-Down, well you like to bring me down, don't cha? But I ain't laying down. Baby I ain't   going down. Can't nobody tell me how it's going to be, nobody can make a fool out of me. Baby, you should know that I lead not follow." - Kelly Clarkson

Individual #1, That first hour biology class was probably the highlight of my freshman year. Two of our guy friends, you, and I were probably the funniest group ever. Remember the "spider-killer?" It makes me laugh even now. I've never seen a high school boy so afraid of spiders. You were there for me a lot that year; it was a horrible, horrible year. Two break-ups, a boy giving me mixed signals (who continues to give me mixed signals to this day!), and a friendship ending in a less than civil way. I'll be honest, it sucked. But you helped me through it. God bless you for that. It was so much to handle. Shoot, when my locker was next to my ex-boyfriends; I gave you my combination and you went to my locker for me. Then when I met someone new, you went to the movies with me to see the dumbest action movie ever. We couldn't even see the subtitles, so we had to stand up any time that any of the foreign people talked. Dakota Fanning regrets that one, FOR SURE. Summary of freshman year; you were always there for me. No matter what happens or how angry either of us gets at the other, I will always think of you as a true best friend because of that year.

Individual #2, I don't remember when we started being friends instead of enemies. I've tried really really hard to remember, but I can't. I just remember we started hanging out more often. We became best friends, even at the age of eight. We would sit on the two slides that were attached at recess and talk to each other, most days. I remember one rainy day, I came over to your house with some jelly beans. I thought they were the greatest thing, because my dad had showed me this "game" where you could tell someone they were eating one flavor and actually they were eating something horrible. Cool, right? Anyways, you just burst out of no where and told me: "You know, when people ask me who I like, I tell them you." Oookay, honestly I had a blonde moment when you told me that. I truly thought you would say "you" back to them when they asked and not my name. But eventually it clicked; you liked me. And I liked you. But I was eight. I had no clue how to tell you that back. In fact, I'm pretty sure I never told you that I felt the same way back until years later.

Individual #3, In 9th grade, you also sat next to me in history. We talked a little, I think. Nothing serious. I still remember getting the impression that you felt you were above us all. Sophomore year, I was around you more. You were still dating my friend, so you were accepted into our group. We became better friends and hung out with just our group of friends. I don't remember there being any real problems, that year. I kind of did my own thing, back then.

Individual #4, I don't think we hung out much after that. Like I know we did sometimes and I know we texted on occasion. I just don't remember any real "hanging out" being done right after that initial sleepover. Junior year, I know we hung out sometimes. It was usually with a mutual friend, though. Towards the end of junior year, we started to talk more, I think. And I know that this summer we started to hang out more often. We had some adventures, didn't we?

Individual #5, On June 29th, 2008 I woke up like it was any other day. You had finally gotten a phone on your 14th birthday, so we had been texting. You told me that that day was the other girl's birthday and you were going to her party but maybe we'd meet up afterwards. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by this. I thought that meant that you were going to pick her. I remember staring out the window, at one point, and thinking about how crazy I was about you. It may sound creepy, but I'd swear I was already falling in love with you. And you were going to pick her. My day went on as usual after that. I was hanging out with two of my guy friends later that night, when they began to ask me some strange questions about you. Like how I would feel if you asked me out, what would I say, and how much I liked you. I wanted you to ask me out; I liked you so much. But the thought of it made me nervous. I should have taken their questions as a sign, but I thought nothing of it at the time. It was close enough to the Fourth of July that people were lighting off small stuff. I was still with my two friends at a house down the street, just setting stuff off, when you showed up wearing that lopsided smile that I had grown to adore. That's when it hit me. You were there to ask me out. I don't know why the thought didn't occur to me earlier. I think I was just wrapped up in the fact that you went to her party and that must have meant you didn't like me. As soon as you showed up, I freaked out and ran down the street to my house. I was THAT nervous. Lucky for me, you followed close behind and came up to the door after I had went inside. I walked back outside and greeted you. I didn't even get a "hey" back, I just got "Uh, Jordan, would you, um, want to go to a movie sometime?" I couldn't even look at you, I was so shy and excited. I tossed out a "sure" and ran back inside, explaining that I needed my shoes. That was it. That was the start of us. And, come to find out, while you were at the other girls party, you showed them my picture and talked about how you were going to ask me out later. I was worried for nothing.

Chapter One

"Your clothes never wear as well the next day and your hair never falls in quite the same way. You never seem to run out of things to say. This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.." -Story of A Girl by Nine Days

So, this is the beginning. Chapter One of my story. I'm honestly a little excited to write this all down. But at the same time, I'm really not. I know that it's not going to be easy; remembering all these things and putting them down into words for what they are. I'm going to, though. I also am putting rules into place. Rule One: I will tell the truth all the time, every time. Rule Two: Some of these people might be pretty easy to figure out. Some of the stories people already know a little bit about. However, if someone were to approach me and ask who one of the stories was with; I would never tell. Rule Three: I picked the people for the stories based on who has had a major impact on my life in recent years; good or bad. That's not really a "rule" but it had to be said anyway. Also, I think it should be explained how I'm still telling my story through letters. They're not really letters, I suppose. They're just chapters of my experiences with people that combine and intertwine to make my life. I tell them separately to avoid confusion. Make sense? Now; let the story begin..

Individual #1, I don't remember "meeting" you, officially. I remember being in 8th grade history together and you calling me an "Amish boy" and me just taking it. That story always makes me smile. I don't even remember where that nickname came from. You just said it and I thought 'Well, that's weird.' and moved on. And we became unspoken partners for everything. You know that person in a class that's the only person you know, so you have this unspoken agreement to be partners in EVERYTHING to avoid being paired with the weird kids by process of elimination? That was us. I don't think we ever talked outside of class that year. Maybe so, but I'm not sure. Then, suddenly, freshman year we walked into first hour biology together and BOOM. It was like we were best friends all along. I remember being super relieved that I had class with you. We so seamlessly became best friends after that. I appreciated the qualities I found in you; the honesty, openness, and kindness. Looking back, I can't think of a defining moment where I realized you were my best friend. You were, just like that.

Individual #2, When we first met, I hated you. I had only one or two friends in the neighborhood, and being the eight year old's that we were, we decided to build a club. I think those seven, eight, and nine year old ages are the ages that you just have a desire to be imaginative and create. Well, our "club" was really a ditch with boards over it that we would sit inside of and eat popsicles. We kept our club pretty close to where our parents could see us if they came up the street calling us home, though, the open field of dirt and weeds where we had the club went on for miles, we never went much further than where our club was at. One day, two boys came from the opposite end of the field from where our club was. One of them was you. It was an immediate rivalry. Whenever we would go home, you guys would move or break some of the boards making our club. Being eight, we didn't have much to be angry about other than that. That was the peak of our eight year old anger. Someone destroying our club. To retaliate, I put dirt and pebbles and such in your bike helmet. My brilliant plan included you not realizing the dirt and stuff was there and putting the helmet on, obviously. And then, having all that stuff pour down your head and over your face; making you covered in dirt. Clearly, this was a brilliant plan. I've asked you before if it worked, but I can't seem to remember your answer.

Individual #3, The first time I ever met you was in 7th grade, I think. I used to envy you, to be honest. You had long hair, which I wanted. You were popular, which was something I wanted to be. And you could get everyone's attention, which I always wanted to have. You seemed to have it all together and I was the nerd with braces and a bad habit of wearing baggy jeans and brown and teal shirts. Then, in 9th grade I believe, you started dating one of my good friends. Truthfully, I remember thinking 'What does she see in him?!' Not out of rudeness to him, but just because I remember feeling like you were way above the rest of us. The first time I ever hung out with you was when we all went to a play at our school. You seemed nice enough. And you seemed to really like my friend. So, I passed you off as okay and didn't see you much after that.

Individual #4,  I've said it before; I didn't want to like you. I mean, I didn't outright dislike you. It was just instinct, I think, not to want to like you. I felt like you were taking away my best friend. So when we arranged a sleepover, it was understandable why I was not too excited. I figured it would be super awkward and quiet. And it was, at first, I think. I was probably trying to make dumb jokes to defuse the silence. Eventually, I think we all set stuff up to go to bed and we all kind of chatted about different things. And one by one, people fell asleep. We were the last two up. We literally had the best talk I think I've ever had with one of my friends.  You understood everything I was going through at the time, and vice versa. Then when one of our friends started talking in her sleep, we asked her stupid questions until we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I'm not sure how late we were up that night, but it was then that I realized we could be friends, and you weren't trying to steal my best friend, and that you were actually really nice and down-to-earth.

Individual #5, The first time we met was in 3rd grade. I used to make fun of you, a lot. I guess I was kind of a bully. You were nerdy and super into fish and fishing, so I think you were an easy target for me. I don't think we were even friends. I just teased you a lot. We were in different classes in 4th grade so after that I don't remember you at all until you were put in my 8th grade history class. You also started to hang out with my group of neighborhood friends, so you were around more. I noticed you immediately. You had this incredibly charming lopsided smile and, at the time, your long hair that flipped out at the sides and curled around your hat was insanely cute to me. I don't think we talked much in that history class until second semester of it. But I remember one day in March or April of 2008, I was walking through the cafeteria and I saw your picture on the wall. I was, once again, struck by how cute you were. Back then, we had a really good student email program that everyone actually used, so I emailed you. I'm not sure exactly what it said, but it was something about seeing your picture in the cafeteria. You replied telling me that you were student of the month. We started talking and I remember each time that we started a new conversation, you would start off the message with "Salutations!". You didn't have a phone then, so email was the only way we really talked to each other. We emailed and IM-ed a lot, I remember. You would even IM me to my phone so we could talk whenever. It was obvious we liked each other. Everyone knew. You didn't ask me out because you kind of liked another girl too, you said. In the end, she became your best friend and I became your girlfriend; starting on June 29th, 2008.

End of Chapter One.

Turning Tables

"I can't keep up with your turning tables; under your thumb I can't breathe. So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no. I won't ask you, you to just desert me. I can't give you what you think you gave me. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables." - Adele

I literally hate high school. I hate being constantly watched in my classes. I hate having to be up so early. I hate the rules; I'm ready to be free. I hate the social pressures. But the number one thing I can't stand? I hate the gossip and rumors and all of the people talking about you behind your back. I despise it. We're all guilty, but because of my own insecurity, it drives me especially crazy. However, I have had enough. I'm tired of people assuming they know me, that they know where I come from, and assuming they know what's going on in my head and in my life. This is my story. MY story; MY life. Do you understand me, right now? MY story. And I'm choosing to tell it. How I want to tell it; in this blog. I've always said I can write better than I can talk. So I'll write it out. I'll tell the truth; 100% of the time. I promise you that. I swear to you, everything I ever say will be the truth. No matter how it makes me look or how it makes anyone else look. I'm past the point of caring. I just want people to know, once and for all, what really happened. People will always talk. I figure I might as well let them keep talking but at the same time, let them talk about the truth. I don't care about the backlash of this, to be honest. I just don't anymore.

So, moral of the story; MY story. Each week, I'm going to try and blog. I'm not sure how I'll organize it yet. Either I'll keep writing letters and just progress through my story with each person or I'll do one story a week. But, oh, it's happening. It's time my story gets told. And I sure hope you read it, and understand it, and learn something you didn't know before. But, most of all, I hope you can relate. See you soon.

Something Beautiful

"Hey now, this is my desire. Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I am in reach, 'cause I am down on my knees and waiting for something beautiful. In a day dream, I couldn't live like this. I wouldn't stop until I've found something beautiful. When I wake up, and all I want is what I have, you know its still not what I need; something beautiful." - Something Beautiful, NEEDTOBREATHE

Well, September is over. I'm extremely excited for October, to be honest. It kicks off with homecoming and ends with one of my favorite holidays, Halloween. I think that I'm forever amazed by the beauty of fall and of the world around me. The leaves changing and the sunflowers showing up everywhere put the biggest smile on my face. I've decided that fall, which started on September 23rd, ironically enough, is going to be a new chapter of my life. I believe that's why I'm so confused as to why everyone is still worried about me. I feel like it's so obvious that I'm doing fine. Better than fine. I'm learning so many things about life that I haven't noticed before. It's literally like I'm looking at the world with new eyes. That's what I wanted to share today. Things I've learned, and things I've noticed, and things I'm working on because it's with this progress that I'm becoming who I'm meant to be.

First of all, what's become most apparent is the problems with couples today. I hate seeing them fight and complain. All. The. Time. It's so simple. Are you happy within your relationship? Are you happy within your daily life? If the answer is no, then break up. And get happy. You're wasting your time and energy being unhappy. Don't let someone else control your mood if they're constantly changing it to angry or sad. Go make yourself happy. I can't stress that enough. It seems so dumb, but seriously. Go be free and do things that make you smile; that make you come alive. You'll see what I mean.

Next, don't care. Just, flat out, don't care. Move on from the things or the people that trouble you. Drama within your group of friends? Don't get involved; don't care. Hard test tomorrow? Don't worry; don't care. Bad day? Don't stress; don't care. This one might take more explanation, though. By no means sit around like a lump and not do anything ever. But think of all the things that you let affect you on a day to day basis. You are destroying yourself by letting your worries and stresses consume you. Let your friends work it out for themselves, study what you can for the test, and pick out five good things about your day. There will always be drama, hard tests, and rough days. Why dedicate yourself to freaking out over one? Be positive, do what you can, and forget it. Easy.

Then, don't be THAT friend. The one that constantly hates on themselves. I guarantee you are beautiful. I can personally guarantee it. Be confident; smile. Let everyone see the light that shines inside you.

And, surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Walk away from those that only try to make you fall. You're better than that. Everyone has that one person that just consistently makes them feel worse. Forget them. Go hang out with someone that makes you laugh; that lifts you up and compliments your good qualities.

Oh! Know that God never gives you more than you can handle. Just when you think you've had enough, just when you think there's no way to recover, and just when you think you can't go on is when you do. You start to survive and grow and change at that exact moment. The very exact moment, I swear to you. That one single moment becomes  a defining time in your life. God has your back. He's giving you an opportunity to better yourself; so take it and survive. Survive, survive, survive.

Finally, you should know that love is louder. Love is louder than anything bad that anyone will ever have to say about you or to you. Love is louder than your insecurities and self-doubt. Love is louder than hating yourself, louder than hating other people; love is so much louder than hate in general. Let your love for the world around you, the people you care about, and for yourself consume you. That is when you'll find happiness.

http://www.loveislouder.com/

Iridescent

"Do you feel cold and lost with desperation? You build up hope but failure is all you know. Remember all the sadness and frustration, and let it go. Let it go." -Linkin Park

I looked up the definition of "iridescent" just out of curiosity today. According to Google, "iridescent" means this: "Showing luminous colors that seem to change when seen from different angles." I couldn't think of anything better to start this post off with than that. I'm thinking that everyone is iridescent in their own way. In my mind, we all emit a light about us. Its the same light that you see when you first meet someone or when you see someone for what they truly are. But there's a catch. Different people see different colors. It's their opinion of the other person; the color they see. In this blog, not just this post either, you hear about the colors I see in people. Its my side of the story, essentially. And lately, more than ever, I want people to hear my side of the story and see the lights and colors and emotions that I see, every day.

Individual #1, You are a beautiful person. Inside and out. You have such talent and such a great outlook on life. You are going places, I just know it.

Individual #2, Always up and down; you and I. I feel another down coming soon, too.

Individual #3, You always told me you liked the way I set up this blog. Did you ever imagine I would be writing these things about you? I guess so. You knew it was coming; I liked to pretend it wasn't. I forgive you, you know. For knowing I was drowning and not doing anything to save me. That's always what bothered me the most. I'm pretty close to being past the angry/sad part of things. Now its just weird. Like I said, I liked to pretend this would never happen. I'm thankful for the time we both had, though. And I'm glad we were both big enough to let the other person be happy.

Individual #4, People don't give you enough credit for how smart you are about other people. Everyone kind of bullies you from time to time, and I'm guilty of it too. Its about time I made a conscious effort to stop. You are smart, and you are kind. You've helped me a lot too. I owe you for that.

Individual #5, I hate to be mean to you about these things. Really, I do. You are one of the best friends I've ever had. But I can't be what you want me to be right now. I'm sorry.

"Let your light shine through."

Last Kiss

"So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. I hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day; and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. We can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." -Taylor Swift

It was most definitely a long time coming. You know, I almost titled this "Love Story" because that's what this was. A love story. Two kids on the playground turn into 14 year olds that find each other on accident and, over three years, fall in love and grow up together. Now, let me make several things clear about the end of our story:

1. It was never as easy as people thought. We fought. Three years is hard to accomplish when you're young. It was by no means complete and all out war all the time. I want no one to think that. We were happy. But we fought too.

2. This was as close to mutual as it could be. Time apart was what was best. Neither of us was gaining anything from being together, at that point. He was stressed from building his future and I was struggling with issues I've been struggling with since I was a kid.

3. You will NEVER hear me sling this kid's name through the mud. Just because it's over and it hurts more than I ever could have anticipated does not give me an excuse to air dirty laundry. He is/was/always will be a wonderful man.

4. I regret nothing.

5. I will always believe in love and love stories.

6. You want to talk to me about this? Go ahead. I have nothing to hide. For some reason, I have complete trust in the fact that anything I tell you about what happened, he will back up. We've had each others backs since 2008. No reason why we still can't.

7. Going along with #6, let it be known that if you have a problem with the way that I just handled this, you can definitely take that up with me. Writing is my outlet, I've haven't done or said anything wrong here.

8. Finally, I will treasure every single minute of our time together. Every single minute since June 29th, 2008. I am okay now. I'm okay by myself and that alone shows me that I'm growing from this. Two weeks ago I would have told you that I couldn't make it out of a situation like this. And two weeks ago, that would have been true. But I'm making it. I'm making it. I am alive and while the wound is still so very fresh; I am alive and I am working on being happy again. And, "mystery man" , the only thing (and the last thing) I ever want you to know and I will ever write to you can be summed up best in a Rascal Flatts song (isn't that so like me?!):

           "I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow. I hope each road leads you where you want to go. And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking 'till you find a window. If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.... I hope you never look back and you never forget all the ones that love you and the place you left. I hope you always forgive, you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, I hope you find God's grace in every mistake and always give more than you take. But more than anything; more than anything: my wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to." -My Wish, Rascal Flatts

The end..

Long Live

"Long live the walls we crashed through, as the kingdom lights shined just for me and you. I was screaming, 'Long live all the magic we made. And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid.' Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. I was screaming, 'Long live the look on your face. And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered.' Hold on, we're spinning around. Confetti falls to the ground. May these memories break our fall." -Taylor Swift

Well. Its my senior year. I can't say that I'm "excited" or "looking forward" to it. Its going to be a hard year. I am somewhat proud I didn't take the easy way out and take easy classes. I will graduate high school with almost 20 credit hours at UMKC. I hope to get two things out of this school year, if anything. I hope to prepare myself for college so that I won't struggle my freshman year. And I hope to make memories. Good or bad, I hope to make some. I must admit that going back to school has caused some memories to be brought back up. You see people at school that you weren't forced to face during the summer. So, for the first time in months I've had to think of ways to act around and face these individuals. And I believe I've finally come up with what to say.

Individual #1, I feel like we both know that the only reason we can't be friendly is because of her.

Individual #2, I feel bad for the laugh. I scoffed at your kindness, and it was wrong. In my defense, its just so hard to actually act friendly to you when you cast me out for nothing. I've done nothing wrong to you. Ever. As long as I can remember, there was nothing actually wrong between just you and I. I wish we could have some sort of friendly relationship. I really do. But in this place and time, I'm not sure that's possible.

Individual #3, I hope you know that I still have no problem with you. We have so many classes together. I'd like it if we talked some time.

Individual #4, Interesting how we got pushed together again. I plan to be cautious this time around. I'm happy for the opportunity to catch up this year, though.

Individual #5, I can't wait to see the places you'll go! I consider you a brother and I hope you enjoy your time in high school and live it up to the fullest.

Individual #6, I can't stand you. I can't stand your attitude. I can't stand the way you think you're the best thing out there. I can't stand the way you treat people. I can't stand it. And I'm done standing it. I can't be around you, I won't talk to you. I refuse to let you belittle me anymore or ever again. You will not win. I will go on to better things, and I will be strong. And I'm so sorry you feel the need to try to push me down to make yourself feel better. For the record, I tried so hard to be your friend. A couple years ago, I wanted to get along with you so much. Now, I'm past the point of caring about having a friendship with you. Yeah, it would be nice. But do I want it, at this point? Nope. Not sure I will again.

There you go. That's what I'm thinking after just two days of school. This year, I'm sure, will be full of ups and downs. And I'll have low points and high points. I just hope that on graduation day, I will be able to stand and say that I don't regret a thing.

When The Sun Goes Down

"When the night is here the only thing on my mind is having a good time with my friends; that's real. You can always hear us say: 'The party doesn't start till the sun goes down.' That's when everything starts moving; everybody out when the sun goes down. The music isn't on till its way too loud; that's when everyone starts dancing. Everybody shout when the sun goes down." -Selena Gomez and the Scene

This song was the perfect theme to my summer. During the day, you work and get everything done. When the sun goes down? Its a completely different story. Anything goes at night. This summer wasn't anything mind-blowing but a lot of things definitely happened that were fun and new and life-changing. Let's review:

June: A lot of night-swimming! I used to hate night-swimming but I've grown to love it. No little kids around, no lifeguards. Its more fun. June 9th (I think..) I left for Europe! That trip totally changed my outlook on the world. Completely and totally. It was so interesting, exciting, different, and fun. I'm glad I roomed with the girls that I did; we definitely bonded! As Rocco told us, we were like a gang. And to prove our strength we should beat up someone weaker. :) I don't think I would have wanted to have been armed with hangers during a break-in with anyone else. The rest of June..I really cannot remember. It blended together, honestly. I got back on the 19th and after that it was just hanging out with friends and working. 

July: I LOVE THE FOURTH OF JULY. I love blowing things up. I love being stupid with explosives. Its just part of being young. My fourth was pretty full of drama, but trust me. Its nothing new with this crowd. Regardless, we blew up a watermelon and a gas-line and I loved it. I loved watching four boys run around shirtless ("Because we care more about our shirts than our skin!") with safety goggles on shooting roman candles at each other while diving and rolling around in the grass like ninjas. In July I also learned who really belongs in my life and the difference between a true friend and a fake friend. I feel like I weeded out those that were just not good for my self-esteem and moved on. I realized who my real friends were and I'm so thankful for them. We have a blast, don't we ladies? It was then I think I really started to enjoy my summer ("Its the ghost of apartments past!" "Oooooh, ahhhh!" "...I'm out.")! I also discovered "tagging." I really didn't think of that an actual "hobby" until this summer. It's a hobby, trust me. And its a definite skill too. Here's the deal with tagging: You dress up like ninjas (complete with war-paint!) and just tag until the cows come home. And if you don't want to be tagged? Its no biggie, it washes off ("I can't even drive homeeeeee!"). So its definitely a good time. July also had a couple trips to the Farmer's Market mixed in, which were definitely enjoyable. For the record: I love the Farmers Market. 

August: August has already started off well! I got accepted into K-State, which was the highlight of my freaking summer! Knowing that my future is already fairly certain is so comforting. And honestly, knowing that I'm going 2 hours and 24 minutes away is a beautiful thing. I really do not care for Liberty. Kansas City is cool but Liberty...no. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to move away (and yes, I'm moving to Manhattan full time) and start over and start my life on my own. I'm past the point of needing someone to hold my hand to get stuff done; aka high school. I want to meet new people, learn new things, and get a change of scenery. So now, we have two weeks-ish until senior year starts. I'm ready to get this show on the road. Its going to go by so slow, but I'm ready to just start it and get it done and head off to college. 

This summer has been memorable because of all of the things above and much more. Its definitely one for the books. And regardless of the drama, the arguing, the heat, the good times and the bad; I wouldn't ever change it or regret it at all.

The Climb

"There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna want to make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side; its the climb. Keep on moving, keep on climbing. Keep the faith." -Miley Cyrus

I will always find this song inspirational at different times in my life. I am 17 and I'm inspired by a Miley Cyrus song. I think that's okay. Not necessarily common, but okay. I appreciate this song because its true. Life is a climb. Certain parts of it are going to suck and you're going to wish you could fast-forward to better days. Reality is, though, that you can't. And getting where you want to be in life takes time. Its "the climb" to what you want and desire that makes you who you are and who you're destined to be. Whether you're a country girl trying to be a pop-star named Hannah Montana or a girl from a small town in Missouri trying to get into college and become a vet; this is true. I think that there are people along the way that shape you, too. Whether your experience with them is good or bad; they affect who you are and who you're going to be in some way. You don't have to like them or the experiences that you've been through with them, but you do have to accept it. People will always be there. These letters are to people that have been involved with my life in one way or another and how they've changed it. This climb up until now, wouldn't be as enjoyable and as much of a learning experience without them.

Person #1; You've shown me what a true friend looks like.

Person #2; I think, above all else, you've shown me that you truly can overcome anything and emerge stronger than before.

Person #3; You taught me how to deal with others. Of all things, you've helped me become better at dealing with the world around me and care for another person.

Person #4; You've shown me that what you tell one person will always be repeated; so you must be careful of  what you say.

Person #5; You have always been there for me. I think you've shown me that when you think you have no one there is always someone. Also, you've shown me that sometimes you've got to call "timeout" and give people time to move on.

Person #6; You've taught me, unintentionally, that I am strong. And I can do things right and I can stand up for myself without using words.

Person #7; You taught me not to hold on too tight; people change.

Person #8; You've taught me everything I ever need to know about succeeding in my life.

Person #9; You've beyond shown me that not everyone is all bad. There's good in everyone.

As much as I've despised or loved these people in my life time, I would never regret meeting any of them. They're all contributors to who I'm becoming and who I will be in the distant future. They've been apart of stories I'll tell my own kids and lessons I'll teach them. But until then, its all about the climb.

Change

"So, we've been outnumbered, raided, and now, cornered. It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair. We're getting stronger now, from things they never found. They might be bigger, but we're faster and never scared. You can walk away and say we don't need this, but there's something in your eyes that says we can beat this. 'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. It's a revolution; the time will come for us to finally win. And we'll sing hallelujah." -Taylor Swift

I picked "Change" for a special reason. Not only am I making a lot of changes in my life but I'm going to change it up a little for this blog. Lately, there's been a common "TBH" status game that a lot of people on Facebook are playing. Quite frankly, I think it's a little silly. I love the honesty policy, really I do. I'd rather be told the truth and have it hurt for a little bit than be lied to for essentially all time. But by posting "TBH" as your status, it really doesn't guarantee that the person posting the status will be honest. In fact, I'm willing to bet that six out of ten times it's posted the person just says nice things that will make the other person feel good about themselves. Actually, when I think about it the person that posts it MIGHT want to make themselves feel better by posting all these nice things to other people. Basically like "See how nice I am, everyone?!" And then the likers of the status feel good because 60% of the time they get to show everyone "Look how loved I am!" NOW. I've liked a "TBH" status before. So I'm not, by any means, saying I'm above this. I couldn't tell you my motives when liking these statuses. I can't sit here and preach about how I liked them because I just wanted to know what so-and-so "honestly" thought of me. I wouldn't be being honest to myself, on that one. However, tonight I am going to do an actual "To Be Honest Blog Post" and be completely honest to people of my choosing in as few words as possible. Not for any specific reason, I swear. Just because I think there are people I owe the truth to. And here's my twist. This week, if you guess the person that you think is you, I might actually let you know if you're right. I think this is a little weird; it feels like a carnival game. Can you picture it? "Guess the number right, and I'll tell you what I think of you!" But in my mind, what good is the truth if you can't actually tell it to someone?

Person #1: I miss you. Like crazy. I miss our friendship and all its former glory. I would give anything to take the fight back. Rewind. Pause. Perfect. That's us.

Person #2: We met so..randomly. Like I totally wasn't expecting to actually get along with you. If we're being honest, which we are, I was so jealous of you in the beginning. And then we had that talk and I instantly warmed up to you. And I'm still loving our talks to this day. Lets keep having them, please!

Person #3: You're helping me become a better person all the time. I could never thank you enough for everything you've done for me. Never leave my side and never give up on me.

Person #4: Thank you for telling me the truth. It hurt, but thanks.

Person #5: Thank you for listening to my stories and rants and putting up with my moods this year. You are one of a kind and don't let anyone get you down or convince you otherwise. You are something special. You're so kind and understanding and you're a strong girl. Don't ever change who you are.

Person #6: I hate that we don't see each other often. Truthfully, I hate that you cancel on me sometimes. I understand that things come up, but it gets frustrating. I truly do enjoy talking to you, I wish it happened more often. You, too, are incredibly strong in my eyes.

Person #7: We see things in a very similar way, though I don't always like or agree with the things you do or say. You're sillier than I am, that helps me sometimes. You're kind of like a big brother to me, actually. I also think that you really try to do the best you can. You know what I mean? Like, you make decisions that you think are right. I can't explain the thought in my head. You just try to be the best "you" there is. I'll explain if you guess this right, I guess. *sigh*

Person #8: Don't ever think you're not worth it. You are one of the best people I've ever known. And even though our friendship has been sort of "blah" lately and filled with just...crap; I will never hate you. I will never forget you and who you are/were to me. Don't change, you're the one thing I count on to always be there.

Person #9: I feel so bad for you. I think that whatever fuels your..personality traits is very sad and rooted very  deep. As utterly stupid as it sounds, I think you hurt a lot more than you would ever let on. I don't like being around you and we just don't get along, but I would NEVER want you to hurt like I suspect you do. I don't think any of us can help you though, I think you have to help yourself. I think you have to build yourself back up. Its so weird admitting this after everything..

Person #10: I hope one day you realize that you are loved.

I can't say that I feel glad I made other people feel good or bad or anything at all. I will admit that some of the things I said aren't nice and some of them are. They are the truth. Here is another truth: I love writing. I love all kinds of writing; even writing papers for classes. This blog is one thing that I don't care if people think is silly or stupid. Or if they read and laugh at my take on life. That's okay. I love writing and I love trying to figure people out, and this is the best way I know how. And TBH, I hope you love reading it half as much as I love writing it.

Fearless

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshman year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too." -Taylor Swift

This quote is probably my favorite ever. It's in Taylor Swifts "Thank you's" for her Fearless album, as if you couldn't tell. It honestly speaks to me. It speaks to me to the point where I had a leather bracelet made that reads "fearless" in pretty script. My boyfriend makes fun of me for it, true story. But I still love it. I think a lot about the term "fearless", actually, and I've been thinking of a lot things that I think make you fearless recently. Here's my list:

To me, being fearless is going to a new place and trying everything at least once.

To me, being your 100% true self is fearless.

Finally not caring what others think, that's fearless.

Removing people from your life that only make you feel badly about yourself is fearless.

Not being afraid of starting over is fearless, too.

Its fearless to forget the future for a little while and enjoy now.

For me, it's fearless to go to Worlds of Fun soon and try to ride every roller coaster. Even though so far, I've been too scared to even ride one.

Being honest with yourself and others, definitely fearless.

Its fearless to admit you were wrong.

Its fearless to admit you need to change your ways too.

To me, its fearless to face your demons.

Its fearless to fight off those demons too.

Its also fearless to love unconditionally.

Being your own kind of beautiful, is fearless too.

Accepting that people change is fearless.

Singing AND dancing at a stop light despite everyone staring is fearless.

Oh, and fist-pumping at passing cars is fearless as well.

To me, living life according to your own rules is fearless.

Its fearless to still have faith in people after you've been through so much with them.

But at the same time, its fearless to realize that some people will only let you down.

Its fearless to admit that "I don't know you, but I want to."

To me, its fearless to want a tattoo but still be a little afraid of the pain.

Its also fearless to admit that it's just not working.

Fearless is also forgiving those that you love.

Its also fearless to be a little bit different.

Laughing at yourself; also very fearless.

To me, its fearless to let your imagination take control.

To me, its also fearless to dream of something new and different.

Letting yourself feel is fearless.

Trying to live the most beautiful life possible is fearless too.

Making a statement; fearless.

To me, fearless is never backing down from a challenge.

Trying to be the best version of yourself, no matter how hard it is, is fearless.  

Its fearless to smile when everything appears to be falling down around you.

Taking chances is fearless.

Not looking back is fearless.

And to me, writing this blog and posting it is fearless too.

Stay Beautiful

"You're beautiful, every little piece, love. And don't you know, you're really gonna be someone. Ask anyone. And when you find everything you're looking for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Oh, but if it don't; stay beautiful." -Taylor Swift

In all honesty, I feel like I'm a pretty balanced person. I can be positive and negative at different times and in different situations. But I'm not entirely one or the other. However, I've been thinking that in this blog I say a lot of negative things about people. At least I say negative things more often than I do positive. I talk about the problems I've had with different individuals and the decisions I've had to make regarding their behavior. I can't say that I'm a fan of people 100% of the time. And I'm certainly not a fan of everyone. BUT, I feel like the people I mention in this blog deserve something positive. I don't hate the mentioned individuals by any means, but by writing to them here it means that I interacted with them and it went well or all wrong. And I'm sharing that experience. The last thing I want is for someone to realize that I'm talking about them or something that happened with them in the past and feel like I don't like them in the present. I truly believe that every person has potential and has some beautiful aspect to them. That applies to the people I applaud or rant at in this blog. Every person has something beautiful about them. These letters are sort of my "Thank you!" cards to previously mentioned people for being their beautiful selves, regardless of our relationship at any point in time.

Individual #1: You're seriously one of the truest and most loyal people I know. I honestly cannot think of one thing you've done wrong purposefully. You always have the best intentions and try to find the best in those around you. Your honest and positive attitude is something to be admired. Truthfully, I wish I was a little more like you.

Individual #2: You have such an incredible spirit. You are so strong as person. You've been able to overcome so much in your life and still put your best foot forward and be yourself. And you're not afraid to be yourself either. This quality is also something to be admired. You're a beautiful person, inside and out.

Individual #3: I do believe that deep down you are a nice person. You have a great smile and you're usually pretty fun to be around. You have a great sense of humor and I do believe you have good intentions through it all.

Individual #4: You're extremely fun to be around at times. You do make a point to have someones back when you see that they're struggling. You're also very spontaneous and creative. In fact, your creativity is one of your best qualities. You're THAT unique and creative. You, too, are also not afraid to be who you are and you aren't ashamed of anything. And I think you're a pretty strong person too!

Individual #5: You're very opinionated and intelligent. You are also very unique and very creative. You have a really touching smile that you can always tell is genuine. You're very good at interacting with others and reading them. You know what I'm thinking most of the time, actually! You are a beautiful person, inside and out too. You've never been anything but yourself.

Individual #6: You're a naturally silly and funny person. You do try to be a good friend to everyone and you do try the best you can at everything. You have a lot of passion for different things and you dedicate yourself to those things when you find them. You also try and live life to the fullest and I hope that you continue to do that throughout your life.

Individual #7: You're one of the most comforting and loving people I know. You try your hardest to make everyone feel loved and accepted. You're also very honest, which is always appreciated. You truly truly 100% are a loyal and trustworthy friend.

Individual #8: You're a very fun person to be around and you're very personable. You are very ambitious and I think that will get you places. You're a very hardworking and determined person. You know what you want out of life and you do your absolute best to get there.

To wrap up, I really think that all of these people mentioned now or before in my posts have good and bad qualities. Every single person on this planet does, including me. But every person does have potential and does have something special about them. Its just a matter of accepting the bad and enjoying the good.

Breathe

"Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road, I tried to swerve. People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out; but nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout. And we know its never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe; without you, but I have to." -Taylor Swift

Life is messy. I think we all know that. As T-Swift says, and I honestly remember all the time: "People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out." People are going to do things that hurt you, they're going to say things that hurt you too. People might shut you out when you need them the most or people might prove you wrong and show up at just the right moment. They might be the best friend you ever had or they might be your greatest downfall. People are people. Its up to you, though, whether you allow those people to affect you and allow them into your life. Its up to you whether you let them stay or let them go. You have to choose. Who's worth having around; who's a true friend? Who consistently lets you down? And who's there through it all? These letters, this week, are my decisions. There are people I'm learning I can breathe without, people I'm learning I can't breathe without and people I'm still deciding about. Because another thing you should know is that people are people and sometimes we change our minds.

Individual #1: I can breathe without you. (I really feel like a jerk for saying that; but its reality..) I still consider you a friend but I just don't desire a really good friendship. I know that it's not my decision alone, but I just don't need your meltdowns and dramatic moods. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have our moments. I've had a few myself. But yours seem pretty consistent..and it kills me, every time. We've been through this before, too. I try and help you but you don't let me. So what good does it do for me to sit there and repeat the same lines over and over? You don't truly take them to heart; I'm just giving you attention and saying what you want to hear.

Individual #2: I can't breathe without you. But I'm learning that one day I'll have to. I'm really sorry, you. I know that I, for lack of a better word, flat out frustrated you and pissed you off. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am because of my actions. I was pathetic. I don't think its too ridiculous to be scared of the day we say goodbye, though. Like I said, I can't breathe without you. One day, in the future, I'll learn how to. I just don't want that day to come.

Individual #3: I can breathe without you. I've known this for a while. I really wish we got along really well..but we don't. Its life. Don't make me repeat it: "People are people.." Your life actually kind of makes me sad. I realize you've had some super low points that I don't think you like to make known. You have walls, I've noticed. Taller and tougher to break through than anyone else's. You put on this persona like you're just the coolest person ever and nothing can break you and nobody can beat you. Bring that down, #3. You'd have so much more success in life if you'd just drop it. I mean that in the nicest way, I swear.

Individual #4: I can't breathe without you. I learned that super recently. I need you as a friend and in my life. I'm glad we talked. BUT. I don't want things to be the way they used to, all those months ago. To be honest, it makes me sick to my stomach. I was playing a role that I never auditioned for and I never wanted. I sympathize with you, really I do. If anyone does, its me. But I can't be your crutch, your back-up. I'm just trying to be your friend; nothing more, nothing less. No strings attached.

Individual #5: I'm still deciding. I thought really highly of you until recently. Your actions have kind of disappointed me. I don't really know what to think..some lines aren't meant to be crossed.

Individual #6: I can't breathe without you. You're my one true friend, through it all. I'm so sorry. Sorrier than you'll ever know for everything last semester. I shouldn't have let things get this way. I realize more and more each day that you truly were the one that was always there for me, always a text away. Always honest and always loyal and reliable. I'm at a loss for a way to bring things back up to 100% us, but I'm trying. I miss you, #6.

Well, I'm all out of things to say. All of these decisions are things that have been on my mind lately. As usual, it feels good to get them out in the open and out of my head. Aaand...

I feel the need to say something, out of respect, that has nothing to do with this post. Becca, you were a beautiful girl. I've heard nothing but the most wonderful things about you. I'm sorry to say that I never had the privilege of knowing you really well. But I believe that no one should feel that way about their life and no one should go through it alone. I'm so sorry that you felt that way. No one, absolutely no one, ever should. My heart goes out to you and your friends and family. I know you'll be missed by so many.

Secrets

"Tell me what you want to hear, something that were like those years. I'm sick of the insincere, so I'm gonna give all my secrets away. This time, don't need another perfect line. Don't care if critics ever jump in line, I'm gonna give all my secrets away." -OneRepublic

True life: I am an embarrassing person. I really am. I'm kind of a closet nerd, except not really in the closet. So basically just a nerd! And I have secrets. Little ones, not really any big ones. I'm pretty sure that anyone reading this will read my secrets and realize that yes, I am a nerd. Which is why I started you all out with the true fact that I am a nerd. Just so you knew what you are going into. I'm not sure why I decided to write all these out. This is really just me. Take it or leave it. So true to the song, I don't care if I'm laughed at for any of these and I don't care if I'm laughed at for having this blog. Period. Critics can jump in line. But for those of you that are just curious, these are my secrets; silly as they are.

Secret #1: I know two Hannah Montana dances. I actually like dancing in general. I'm not entirely sure if I have any actual potential with it, though. But anyways, since I was still into Disney back in like 9th-ish grade, I knew most Hannah Montana songs. I even went and saw the Hannah Montana movie. Haters can hate, I thought it was cute. I was, for the longest time, obsessed with learning the Hoedown Throw-down though. I searched for a how-to video on Youtube and actually found one done by Miley Cyrus herself. Sooo, I learned the dance. And I still know it. Then I learned most of the dance to Ice Cream Freeze around a year ago. I am not ashamed. I really just chalk it up to the fact that I do enjoy dancing, and I found a song with an easy dance.

Secret #2: I hardcore hold concerts in my car, every. single. time. I'm behind the wheel. I can't drive decently without belting whatever songs I feel like singing. I really can't sing, at all! In fact, I'm terrible at it. But it's nice to pretend! And my driving has definitely improved because of it. So, next time you see me driving anywhere, look at me. Odds are, I'm singing. Or your can hear my music in your own car. It's usually blasting so I can't hear myself. :)

Secret #3: I'm obsessed with and fully believe horoscopes and fortune cookies. I keep every single fortune cookie slip I ever get from Panda Express. True life: One of them said "Buy the red car." Yeah, my car is def red and I def picked it out based on that slip. And because my mom didn't want a blue car. But deep down? Its all because of the fortune cookie! And now, my Mazda 3 (affectionately named Sally) is the perfect car for me. I also own a book called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and its completely accurate. It predicts people 100% correctly all based on their birthday. I believe all that stuff! Aaaaand, I do have a lucky number. Two, actually. 13 and 23. 23 is my anniversary date every month and ever since it became that, it pops up everywhere. Plus, it makes sense because my dad's lucky number is 22 and I'm identical to him. So 23 it is! I also picked 13 because I firmly believe that if you keep the bad luck with you, it won't be as "bad."

Secret #4: I am also obsessed with Full House, the tv show from the 80's and 90's. I own all 8 seasons and will watch them religiously. I can name every episode by name. I can turn on the tv when Full House is playing and most likely tell you "Oh, that's 'The Miracle of Thanksgiving' and its from season one." And I'm 95% sure that the reason I want a big family is because of Full House. Like, I get it's fake. Its a scripted sit-com. But I still like the idea of parents being close to the kids and always helping out your family. Again, this is just me.

Secret #5: I have a terrible time with getting rid of grudges. Like I forgive, but I never forget. And I let the emotions of that one particularly haunting moment dictate my thoughts toward that person for a long time. I wish I could change it! But I can never seem to overcome it.

Secret #6: I have this "eating disorder" where I literally go around the foods on my plate and eat them one at a time. And the weirdest part is probably the fact that I eat the "main course" last. Perfect example: Lets say you have a cheese-burger, tater tots and pickles on a plate. Any normal person will eat them in any random order. I eat the alllllll the pickles first, then I eat alllllllll the tater tots, then I eat MOST of the cheese-burger. I say "most" because I ate everything else first, right? So I'm usually not near as hungry when it comes to the main food. I didn't realize I even did it until my dad pointed it out a while ago. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've been doing it since I was old enough to eat lunches at school..and never stopped!

Well, these are my secrets. Again, I don't really know why I felt the urge to write these down. It was honestly kind of a waste of my time and probably a waste of yours to read them all! But I felt like, I don't know. I just wanted to share! These are the things that make me, me. And I'll never be ashamed of them. I am silly, and I am a dork, and I am me.

Mean

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. You have knocked me off my feet again; got me feeling like I'm nothing. You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard calling me out when I'm wounded. You, picking on the weaker man. Well, you can take me down with just one single blow. But you don't know what you don't know. Someday, I'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." -Taylor Swift

I'd like to think that, for the most part, I'm pretty average. I do well in school, I was excited to get my license on my 16th birthday, and I love stores like American Eagle. Just like any other average person, there is conflict in my life. There are people I was rude to and they didn't deserve it. There are people that I feel were rude to me without any real reason. People are people and sometimes things get rough. Personalities clash and arguments happen. These letters are letters to people I've fought with for one reason or another. I could have caused the argument or they could have caused the argument. The relationship between us today, right now, still could be complicated or it could be better better. Regardless, here are my letters to you.

Dear Individual #1, You're the one I probably fight with the least. But we make up for that with cruel words, don't we? I'm not sure either one of us ever mean the words we say in times of anger. I sure don't, promise! That still doesn't keep the wounds from stinging. I think with a relationship like ours, that we struggle to figure out daily and that we put so much pressure on, we're just bound to get in fights. And maybe thats okay. We always bounce back somehow.

Dear Individual #2, I've never really fought with a good friend before. So its all kind of new to me. I wasn't prepared with a reaction for what you said and I wasn't prepared for how much hurt your words inflicted. I think I've moved on, though. I see things about you I didn't see before and I understand you and myself a little better. I don't mean this in a malicious way at all, I swear, but I won't let you get to me again.

Dear Individual #3, I am not surprised by our constant issues. Our attitudes tend to clash frequently. I don't particularly care to be involved anymore, to be honest. When I get wrapped up in my anger, I give you want you want. That won't be happening any longer.

Dear Individual #4, I'm definitely to blame for most of our fights last year. I feel like I had never gone through a scenario like that before and I'd never met someone like you. Really, I hadn't. Your personality was similar to mine in a pretty decent amount of ways and it scared me to lose or be bullied by someone that knew more about me at that time than I knew about myself. I couldn't let go. I should have. And I'm sorry.

Dear Individual #5, We argue a lot. But I'll never give up on you.

Dear Individual #6, I can't stand you. I've been pretending to enjoy your attitude for years now and I can't take it anymore. You are the worst of your kind, disguised by nerdy jokes and fun activities. You are completely unreliable, unhelpful, and unappreciative of the work I do. Forget you. Remember my work ethic? Yeeeah. I'm done. I've put in too much hard work thats gone completely unnoticed by you.

Dear Individual #7, I don't even understand, to this day, what lit the fuse to our arguments. I'm sorry but it was all silly! I'm not sure how I feel about you still but I'm not opposed to being civil. It was so long ago, anyways. I think we can move past it by now!

Dear Individual #8, I dislike you because I feel threatened by you. I wish I could change my jealousy; we used to have fun together.

Dear Individual #9, Our fight was really surprising, but it was building for a while. I wish we could still be good friends but it's hard. And its not the same. I think that it'll be okay, though. I still consider you a friend.

I think that this particular blog was a really good way to release any anger I still had bottled up inside after any of these events with any of these people. I'm not trying to call anyone out. I'm not trying to start any new fights. I think that regardless of my messages to these people, I was a part of the problem. Any fight that any of these people were involved in, I played a part in too. Whether I apologized back when the initial event happened or right now: I am sorry. I make mistakes and I get wrapped up in my emotions. And I'm sorry for hurting anyone of you in any way. But, if theres anything I've learned about life, its that it truly, truly does go on.

Speak Now

"I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in a mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send. Or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a resounding voice saying 'I could've but its too late now.' ...I don't think you should wait, I think you should speak now." -Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is my hero. I'm completely stoked that I have concert tickets! Highlight of my teenage career. But anyways, I actually have this quote hanging in my room. Its from the little pamphlet inside of her, duh, Speak Now album. I almost look forward to her speeches about the album as much as the actual album. Strange but true. Her speeches are honestly inspirational. I have the one from Fearless hanging up too. And if you haven't read them, you should. But this quote is very perfect for what I have to say tonight. As I've mentioned before, I really can't talk. I'm seriously considering doing some investigating and finding out if I have a speech impediment. Because words get jumbled up a lot. However, this doesn't happen when I write it out. Theres a lot I've been wanting to say to a lot of people lately and, quite frankly, I don't have the guts or speaking abilities to say it to their face. Pathetic, I know. But as long as I get it out sometime, I think thats okay. And maybe one day, I'll get some courage and some speaking lessons and "speak now." But for the time being, enjoy sifting through my letters to those I'm affected by or thinking of or apologizing to. You just might be one of them.

Dear Individual #1, I'm so thankful for you right now. You're really goofy and silly. And thats just what I need. Even though, your texts to me aren't always helpful or interesting or have any meaning to them; I'm thankful for them. You kept me from losing it, and you listened to my rants, and you encouraged me that this will all be over soon. Thanks!

Dear Individual #2, I've apologized to you once before but I'm not sure if you read it or accepted it or anything at all. But I'll apologize again. I'm sorry for "hating" you and ignoring you all those times. I had no reason to. I was trying to agree with a person that had more control over me at that time than I ever want them to have again. Thats no excuse. No one should ever have to feel like an outsider.

Dear Individual #3, You're basically my new best friend. In fact, you've probably been my under-cover best friend the entire time. Our opinions are exactly alike and you're fun to hold a conversation with! See, when I watch Sex and the City (my new favorite show, one below Full House!) and see the friendship between the 4 girls, like thats us. Gossiping away. And I feel like if you read this, you'll instantly know I'm talking about you. But I wanted to say thanks. For wishing me the most sincere happy birthday I got from anyone and for being there even more than anyone else. And for understanding. Most of all. Understanding and listening. Thank you, thank you!

Dear Individual #4, Thanks for being there for this life of mine. For holding my hand when I needed it. For admitting that you think I was wrong. For the tough love. For everything. Absolutely everything. I live a fabulous life that I would never trade for anything for because of you. I hope I make you so proud.

Dear Individual #5, You've always known what I consider the "real me." And the sad thing is, all I can think of right now is how good it feels when you laugh at MY jokes, for once. I can't even form a legitimate sentence, so imagine how horrible my jokes are. It really sucks that right now I consider us friendly but I don't consider us friends. This shouldn't be happening. Thats what I think. Not to us. Unfortunately, with all these jumbled up thoughts in my head, not one of them can help me think of a way to re-build the bridge that I helped burn down.

Dear Individual #6, I have respect for you now. I was afraid of you and I was manipulated by this fear. I can't let that happen anymore. I don't agree with you, but I accept the way you are and for the first time in a while, I have respect for you. Of all the cards and gifts I got for my birthday, yours surprised me the most. I thank you for that. Because if you hadn't done what you did, all the things that you said and did recently, I wouldn't be where I am right now: a safe place. I still wouldn't feel welcome. So thank you for the unspoken apology. And in case you're wondering? I accept.

Dear Individual #7, I have NO respect for you. I'm not entirely sure if I ever did. I can't even put a label on what we were or are or will be. But I can tell you that "friends" is not one of those labels. I have no words for you. Maybe we'll talk one day. And maybe I'll say this to your face then. But don't count on it. This anger? This comes from hurt. And you destroyed me to the very core. Truly. I underestimated just what I was dealing with. Thats a mistake I'll never make again.

Dear Individual #8, I will always love you and us. (No mystery here..)

Dear Individual #9, You honestly inspire me! You  have a lot of heart and a lot of kindness for someone in high school. A lot of hope too. I wish to have that much hope in people one day too. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone and I'm not the only person in this world that still dreams of something.

Dear Individual #10, I'm glad I'm able to sit in the same room with you and not feel afraid. Everything happens for a reason and I'm glad we both ended up where we are supposed to be.

Dear Individual #11, You are hilarious! You're another person I've realized is a good person to have on my team, you know? I hate the term "true friend." So I won't use it. But "good friend" is a definite yes! You're very helpful and also very inspiring. Despite what you're day is like, you're always honest and you're always kind. You, too, have faith in people. Never give that up, I think it will take you places. You're a good leader and you're good at helping and understanding people. I think that's what you're meant to do.

you mighT read tHese and know InStantly i'm talking about you, or you Might not hAve a clue, or you might not be in here at all, but don't be hurt by that. if you read these, Knowing for a fact its about you, and arE offended or affected by what i Said, then i'm okay with that. these are My thoughts and i'm not ashamEd. this is My own way to "spEak now." (thats the other thing about me, when i do write, its usually really cheesy.)

Keep It Real

"Living life, life in the fast lane. Not that bad, no I can't complain. Who's to say that we can't keep it real? Hold on tight, don't you dare let go. Now's the time, let the whole world know. You can shine bright but still keep it real." -Jonas Brothers

Yes, I still like the Jonas Brothers. I know all their lyrics and I'm not going to lie, Nick is still very very cute. But the reason why I like the song "Keep It Real" is for a different reason. I like the actual message. As silly as it sounds, I just like the tagline: "Keep it real!" Its something I try and strive for, though others might argue differently. I think out of all the things people can say I am and all the things I know I struggle with I've never failed at being myself. The lady I interviewed with at a modeling agency almost a year ago claimed that I was "A girl with a very midwestern face with an average midwestern girl personality." Thanks? But that's besides the point. I decided to make this blog post a little different. I'm going to pick songs, like Keep It Real, that inspire me. Or songs that have a message that I can identify with. I hope that maybe, just maybe, someone reads this and listens to the songs and maybe feels some of the same things I do. Enjoy. :)

1. Who Says by Selena Gomez and The Scene Now, I'm not the biggest Selena Gomez fan out there. I do enjoy her and I found her first CD very easy to relate to and very energetic. I can't really sum up why I love this song in actual words, though. Its one of those songs that you play with the windows down in your car on a day you feel beautiful. The song itself actually makes me feel worth it and special. Its a weird thing to describe, really. The line that gets me? "Who says you're the only one that's hurting?" I really can't describe this one other than its just very upbeat and uplifting!
2. Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin I like any songs that I think help me figure out myself or put a name to what I'm feeling. This is one of those songs! The lyrics are something that, to this day, I listen to and think "That. Is. So. Me!" And holy cow, I just re-read the lyrics and literally everything describing the "she" in the song is me. No fooling. I hope that some of you can relate this well to it too. I think, in fact, that it would ring true to a lot of high school girls. "She would change everything, everything just ask her, caught in the in-between; a beautiful disaster.."
 3. I'm Only Me When I'm With You by Taylor Swift Now, I AM a HUGE Taylor Swift fan. But this song has always been one of my favorites for a couple reasons. First of all, I love the romantic aspect of the song. I just like the idea of being excited and being happy to find someone that you feel so comfortable around. Second of all, I like the beat and the energy of the song! It always makes me feel like dancing. Also, I love the music video! Its one of my favorites of hers just because she made it out of videos of herself. As creepy as that sounds, I admire that aspect of the video just because she's putting herself out there in a way that not many artists do. "I'm only me, who I wanna be, yeah, I'm only me when I'm with youuuuu!"
4. 4ever by The Veronicas This songs energy just blows me away! I heard it during a scene in She's The Man. You know when Sebastian/Viola are all over at that carnival? It plays during that scene! I actually really like The Veronicas in general. And I guarantee that most of you have heard their song Untouched. But 4ever rang true to me on a night before the summer of my freshman year, maybe? And it really inspires me to just live. I feel like the lyrics speak for themselves: "So, come on baby, we ain't gonna live forever. Let me show you all the things that we can do."
5. The Climb by Miley Cyrus Cut me some slack, I lived off of Disney. I like this song sort of because it gives me faith that things are going to get better and that I just am in a rough patch. There's always going to be things that stand in the way of getting what you want and reaching your goals and making your dreams come true. You just have to have the mindset to get through those things and come out a stronger version of yourself. I know, all that from Miley Cyrus?! And I'm pretty sure that none of you can lie, you just cant help but feel inspirational when you belt out "Its the climb! Keep the faith, keep your faaaaith!" on top of a desert mountain.

So, thats all for now because Zoology is calling my name. Fingers crossed you like maybe even just one song. :)