Breathe

"Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road, I tried to swerve. People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out; but nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout. And we know its never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe; without you, but I have to." -Taylor Swift

Life is messy. I think we all know that. As T-Swift says, and I honestly remember all the time: "People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out." People are going to do things that hurt you, they're going to say things that hurt you too. People might shut you out when you need them the most or people might prove you wrong and show up at just the right moment. They might be the best friend you ever had or they might be your greatest downfall. People are people. Its up to you, though, whether you allow those people to affect you and allow them into your life. Its up to you whether you let them stay or let them go. You have to choose. Who's worth having around; who's a true friend? Who consistently lets you down? And who's there through it all? These letters, this week, are my decisions. There are people I'm learning I can breathe without, people I'm learning I can't breathe without and people I'm still deciding about. Because another thing you should know is that people are people and sometimes we change our minds.

Individual #1: I can breathe without you. (I really feel like a jerk for saying that; but its reality..) I still consider you a friend but I just don't desire a really good friendship. I know that it's not my decision alone, but I just don't need your meltdowns and dramatic moods. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have our moments. I've had a few myself. But yours seem pretty consistent..and it kills me, every time. We've been through this before, too. I try and help you but you don't let me. So what good does it do for me to sit there and repeat the same lines over and over? You don't truly take them to heart; I'm just giving you attention and saying what you want to hear.

Individual #2: I can't breathe without you. But I'm learning that one day I'll have to. I'm really sorry, you. I know that I, for lack of a better word, flat out frustrated you and pissed you off. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am because of my actions. I was pathetic. I don't think its too ridiculous to be scared of the day we say goodbye, though. Like I said, I can't breathe without you. One day, in the future, I'll learn how to. I just don't want that day to come.

Individual #3: I can breathe without you. I've known this for a while. I really wish we got along really well..but we don't. Its life. Don't make me repeat it: "People are people.." Your life actually kind of makes me sad. I realize you've had some super low points that I don't think you like to make known. You have walls, I've noticed. Taller and tougher to break through than anyone else's. You put on this persona like you're just the coolest person ever and nothing can break you and nobody can beat you. Bring that down, #3. You'd have so much more success in life if you'd just drop it. I mean that in the nicest way, I swear.

Individual #4: I can't breathe without you. I learned that super recently. I need you as a friend and in my life. I'm glad we talked. BUT. I don't want things to be the way they used to, all those months ago. To be honest, it makes me sick to my stomach. I was playing a role that I never auditioned for and I never wanted. I sympathize with you, really I do. If anyone does, its me. But I can't be your crutch, your back-up. I'm just trying to be your friend; nothing more, nothing less. No strings attached.

Individual #5: I'm still deciding. I thought really highly of you until recently. Your actions have kind of disappointed me. I don't really know what to think..some lines aren't meant to be crossed.

Individual #6: I can't breathe without you. You're my one true friend, through it all. I'm so sorry. Sorrier than you'll ever know for everything last semester. I shouldn't have let things get this way. I realize more and more each day that you truly were the one that was always there for me, always a text away. Always honest and always loyal and reliable. I'm at a loss for a way to bring things back up to 100% us, but I'm trying. I miss you, #6.

Well, I'm all out of things to say. All of these decisions are things that have been on my mind lately. As usual, it feels good to get them out in the open and out of my head. Aaand...

I feel the need to say something, out of respect, that has nothing to do with this post. Becca, you were a beautiful girl. I've heard nothing but the most wonderful things about you. I'm sorry to say that I never had the privilege of knowing you really well. But I believe that no one should feel that way about their life and no one should go through it alone. I'm so sorry that you felt that way. No one, absolutely no one, ever should. My heart goes out to you and your friends and family. I know you'll be missed by so many.