Mean

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. You have knocked me off my feet again; got me feeling like I'm nothing. You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard calling me out when I'm wounded. You, picking on the weaker man. Well, you can take me down with just one single blow. But you don't know what you don't know. Someday, I'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever gonna be is mean. Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean." -Taylor Swift

I'd like to think that, for the most part, I'm pretty average. I do well in school, I was excited to get my license on my 16th birthday, and I love stores like American Eagle. Just like any other average person, there is conflict in my life. There are people I was rude to and they didn't deserve it. There are people that I feel were rude to me without any real reason. People are people and sometimes things get rough. Personalities clash and arguments happen. These letters are letters to people I've fought with for one reason or another. I could have caused the argument or they could have caused the argument. The relationship between us today, right now, still could be complicated or it could be better better. Regardless, here are my letters to you.

Dear Individual #1, You're the one I probably fight with the least. But we make up for that with cruel words, don't we? I'm not sure either one of us ever mean the words we say in times of anger. I sure don't, promise! That still doesn't keep the wounds from stinging. I think with a relationship like ours, that we struggle to figure out daily and that we put so much pressure on, we're just bound to get in fights. And maybe thats okay. We always bounce back somehow.

Dear Individual #2, I've never really fought with a good friend before. So its all kind of new to me. I wasn't prepared with a reaction for what you said and I wasn't prepared for how much hurt your words inflicted. I think I've moved on, though. I see things about you I didn't see before and I understand you and myself a little better. I don't mean this in a malicious way at all, I swear, but I won't let you get to me again.

Dear Individual #3, I am not surprised by our constant issues. Our attitudes tend to clash frequently. I don't particularly care to be involved anymore, to be honest. When I get wrapped up in my anger, I give you want you want. That won't be happening any longer.

Dear Individual #4, I'm definitely to blame for most of our fights last year. I feel like I had never gone through a scenario like that before and I'd never met someone like you. Really, I hadn't. Your personality was similar to mine in a pretty decent amount of ways and it scared me to lose or be bullied by someone that knew more about me at that time than I knew about myself. I couldn't let go. I should have. And I'm sorry.

Dear Individual #5, We argue a lot. But I'll never give up on you.

Dear Individual #6, I can't stand you. I've been pretending to enjoy your attitude for years now and I can't take it anymore. You are the worst of your kind, disguised by nerdy jokes and fun activities. You are completely unreliable, unhelpful, and unappreciative of the work I do. Forget you. Remember my work ethic? Yeeeah. I'm done. I've put in too much hard work thats gone completely unnoticed by you.

Dear Individual #7, I don't even understand, to this day, what lit the fuse to our arguments. I'm sorry but it was all silly! I'm not sure how I feel about you still but I'm not opposed to being civil. It was so long ago, anyways. I think we can move past it by now!

Dear Individual #8, I dislike you because I feel threatened by you. I wish I could change my jealousy; we used to have fun together.

Dear Individual #9, Our fight was really surprising, but it was building for a while. I wish we could still be good friends but it's hard. And its not the same. I think that it'll be okay, though. I still consider you a friend.

I think that this particular blog was a really good way to release any anger I still had bottled up inside after any of these events with any of these people. I'm not trying to call anyone out. I'm not trying to start any new fights. I think that regardless of my messages to these people, I was a part of the problem. Any fight that any of these people were involved in, I played a part in too. Whether I apologized back when the initial event happened or right now: I am sorry. I make mistakes and I get wrapped up in my emotions. And I'm sorry for hurting anyone of you in any way. But, if theres anything I've learned about life, its that it truly, truly does go on.