Speak Now

"I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in a mirror. Say it in a letter you'll never send. Or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a resounding voice saying 'I could've but its too late now.' ...I don't think you should wait, I think you should speak now." -Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is my hero. I'm completely stoked that I have concert tickets! Highlight of my teenage career. But anyways, I actually have this quote hanging in my room. Its from the little pamphlet inside of her, duh, Speak Now album. I almost look forward to her speeches about the album as much as the actual album. Strange but true. Her speeches are honestly inspirational. I have the one from Fearless hanging up too. And if you haven't read them, you should. But this quote is very perfect for what I have to say tonight. As I've mentioned before, I really can't talk. I'm seriously considering doing some investigating and finding out if I have a speech impediment. Because words get jumbled up a lot. However, this doesn't happen when I write it out. Theres a lot I've been wanting to say to a lot of people lately and, quite frankly, I don't have the guts or speaking abilities to say it to their face. Pathetic, I know. But as long as I get it out sometime, I think thats okay. And maybe one day, I'll get some courage and some speaking lessons and "speak now." But for the time being, enjoy sifting through my letters to those I'm affected by or thinking of or apologizing to. You just might be one of them.

Dear Individual #1, I'm so thankful for you right now. You're really goofy and silly. And thats just what I need. Even though, your texts to me aren't always helpful or interesting or have any meaning to them; I'm thankful for them. You kept me from losing it, and you listened to my rants, and you encouraged me that this will all be over soon. Thanks!

Dear Individual #2, I've apologized to you once before but I'm not sure if you read it or accepted it or anything at all. But I'll apologize again. I'm sorry for "hating" you and ignoring you all those times. I had no reason to. I was trying to agree with a person that had more control over me at that time than I ever want them to have again. Thats no excuse. No one should ever have to feel like an outsider.

Dear Individual #3, You're basically my new best friend. In fact, you've probably been my under-cover best friend the entire time. Our opinions are exactly alike and you're fun to hold a conversation with! See, when I watch Sex and the City (my new favorite show, one below Full House!) and see the friendship between the 4 girls, like thats us. Gossiping away. And I feel like if you read this, you'll instantly know I'm talking about you. But I wanted to say thanks. For wishing me the most sincere happy birthday I got from anyone and for being there even more than anyone else. And for understanding. Most of all. Understanding and listening. Thank you, thank you!

Dear Individual #4, Thanks for being there for this life of mine. For holding my hand when I needed it. For admitting that you think I was wrong. For the tough love. For everything. Absolutely everything. I live a fabulous life that I would never trade for anything for because of you. I hope I make you so proud.

Dear Individual #5, You've always known what I consider the "real me." And the sad thing is, all I can think of right now is how good it feels when you laugh at MY jokes, for once. I can't even form a legitimate sentence, so imagine how horrible my jokes are. It really sucks that right now I consider us friendly but I don't consider us friends. This shouldn't be happening. Thats what I think. Not to us. Unfortunately, with all these jumbled up thoughts in my head, not one of them can help me think of a way to re-build the bridge that I helped burn down.

Dear Individual #6, I have respect for you now. I was afraid of you and I was manipulated by this fear. I can't let that happen anymore. I don't agree with you, but I accept the way you are and for the first time in a while, I have respect for you. Of all the cards and gifts I got for my birthday, yours surprised me the most. I thank you for that. Because if you hadn't done what you did, all the things that you said and did recently, I wouldn't be where I am right now: a safe place. I still wouldn't feel welcome. So thank you for the unspoken apology. And in case you're wondering? I accept.

Dear Individual #7, I have NO respect for you. I'm not entirely sure if I ever did. I can't even put a label on what we were or are or will be. But I can tell you that "friends" is not one of those labels. I have no words for you. Maybe we'll talk one day. And maybe I'll say this to your face then. But don't count on it. This anger? This comes from hurt. And you destroyed me to the very core. Truly. I underestimated just what I was dealing with. Thats a mistake I'll never make again.

Dear Individual #8, I will always love you and us. (No mystery here..)

Dear Individual #9, You honestly inspire me! You  have a lot of heart and a lot of kindness for someone in high school. A lot of hope too. I wish to have that much hope in people one day too. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone and I'm not the only person in this world that still dreams of something.

Dear Individual #10, I'm glad I'm able to sit in the same room with you and not feel afraid. Everything happens for a reason and I'm glad we both ended up where we are supposed to be.

Dear Individual #11, You are hilarious! You're another person I've realized is a good person to have on my team, you know? I hate the term "true friend." So I won't use it. But "good friend" is a definite yes! You're very helpful and also very inspiring. Despite what you're day is like, you're always honest and you're always kind. You, too, have faith in people. Never give that up, I think it will take you places. You're a good leader and you're good at helping and understanding people. I think that's what you're meant to do.

you mighT read tHese and know InStantly i'm talking about you, or you Might not hAve a clue, or you might not be in here at all, but don't be hurt by that. if you read these, Knowing for a fact its about you, and arE offended or affected by what i Said, then i'm okay with that. these are My thoughts and i'm not ashamEd. this is My own way to "spEak now." (thats the other thing about me, when i do write, its usually really cheesy.)