"Happiness was just outside my window. I thought it'd crash, blowing 80 miles an hour. But happiness is a little more like knocking on your door; you just let it in. Happiness feels a lot like sorrow. Let it be and you can't make it come or go. You are gone, not for good, but for now; but gone for now feels a lot like gone for good. Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard . Happiness was never mine to hold. Careful, child. Light the fuse and get away because happiness throws a shower of sparks. Happiness damn near destroys you; breaks your faith to pieces on the floor. So you tell yourself, that's enough for now. But happiness has a violent roar." -The Fray
Individual #1, That freshman year, I will never forget. All thanks to you. That summer, I don't remember a lot of exact events. I know that we did vacation bible school together and that was a blast and that we definitely hung out and texted all the time. Sophomore year came all too fast. We compared schedules and found that we had 5th hour Spanish together as well as Theoretical Chemistry the next hour with different teachers. Do I even need to go into how much we hated chemistry that year? We must have complained about it so much. I remember at the start of sophomore year we were so afraid to break a single rule or get beat up. Then by the end of the year, we decided to be purposefully tardy to chemistry because we hated it so much. We felt like such bad asses, I know that for sure. Spanish was a complete party. Honestly, all we did was make memories there. You first got me hooked on Kingsley videos in that class. Remember how hard we laughed during SSR when we watched his "THINGS I HATE" video? It's ironic, now that you're gone, that the memories that were once the funniest, cause the most pain.
Individual #2, We kind of faded in and out as friends once middle school started. Towards the end of 7th grade we became closer. I started liking you again either that summer or towards the beginning of 8th grade. But, now, you had a girlfriend. You were crazy about her, too. However, being the loud mouth that I am, I told you I liked you anyways. I was pretty pathetic about it, if I remember correctly. I just short of professed my love for you late one night, via text message. So cute, right?! Well, it almost was. You reminded me of your girlfriend and claimed that I was more of a sister to you than girlfriend material, in the nicest way possible. I have to give you credit for being nice about it, you really were. I don't remember being that hurt by it, honestly. I might have been. I think I was mainly accepting of it, though. I took that "sister" role and played it like a professional. We continued to get closer as the years went on and we got older. I'd like to think that no matter what happens, I'll always be your sister.
Individual #3, I used to be so envious of you. You knew the right things to wear and say. I didn't ever feel like we were really good friends until one completely random night. I don't remember why we were running from our friend, but we were. You were driving and he was chasing us around the Target/Kohls parking lot. I remember that a shake was thrown at some point? I don't even remember what the shake was for or was from. Eventually, we tricked him enough that we were able to park at Kohls and sprint inside while he was only seconds behind. We ran to the dressing room by all the men's clothes, trying to trick him more. We locked ourselves in the biggest dressing room and fell over each other laughing. He found us anyway.
Individual #4, One of my favorite adventures was the first time we went tagging. We tagged a couple people here and there and then went and found where my boyfriend at the time was paying ultimate frisbee with all his friends. Now, make no mistake, we were professional taggers. We dressed in all black, put war paint on our faces and crept up behind their cars on the ground like ninjas. I was the look out while you and our friends went and wrote on each car. No one noticed a thing. They still don't know it was us. Well, unless they read this now, I guess. Oops..
Individual #5, The first month or so that we were dating were weird. We hung out a lot because it was summer but we never really did anything. We didn't act like we were dating. People had to beg us just to hug; we were shy. I remember once, we sat in my garage for almost two hours hiding from the people that were so happy to see us finally going out. Back then, we were actually allowed in your room. I would come over and we would just sit in your room and talk. You always had so much stuff in there, I couldn't stop asking questions about it. Then, once a couple months had passed, your cousin came to town. I'm always really awkward around new people so I didn't know how this would go. The first day I met her, she presented me with a bracelet and we all decided to walk to Target. By the walk back, she and I were already friends. In fact, she became quite helpful. As we were walking, she suddenly blurted, "Something is wrong here!" and grabbed our hands and put them together. First time we held hands, all thanks to her. It was clumsy and unexpected but a memory, still. After that, things began moving faster.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
This Ain't Goodbye
"You and I were friends from outer space; afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place and as far as we know, we were way before our time, bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake, another bridge to take on the way to letting go. This ain't goodbye. This is just where love goes when words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold. Oh no, this ain't goodbye. It's not where our story ends, but I know you can't be mine. Not the way you've always been. But as long as we've got time, then this ain't goodbye." -Train
Okay, I'm taking a break from telling stories for this week. Some things have kind of gone on this past week and I feel like I owe people explanations; letters. It's senior year for so many of us. Things are starting to change, people are going separate ways, and we start planning our future. I should probably mention that I hate goodbyes. I can't find a definite reason why; I just truly hate the realization that you're separating yourself from someone else for a period of time or even permanently. These letters are to people I'm either forced to say goodbye to this year or to people who I didn't want to separate from but I realize that it's what's best.
Individual #1, You have come to be my very very best friend. Like I've told you before, I can be my complete self around you and you don't judge me at all. Even my horrible singing abilities. Unfortunately, our dreams are going to separate us for a little while. We're both moving out of state. It really sucks. BUT. We're going to keep it together, promise! (#nohomo) And I'll always be there to support you; and I know you have my back too!
Individual #2, I will always always always consider you my best friend. And you will always have a place in my heart; whether you chose to take that position or not is up to you. Some circumstances have separated us this year. I don't think either of us intended to grow this far apart. I sure didn't want us to. Reality is, though, that we did and I hope that one day, things will change. We've been friends for a long time and you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why we can't all be friends. I don't understand what brought us this far apart. And I don't understand what it will take to make things right. Things just have to work out on their own, I suppose. Just know, through everything, I'm still here if you need me.
Individual #3, I kind of saw this coming. Situations like this are always tricky. Here's the bottom line though: You don't have to like what I have to say. You can think it's unnecessary for the next 37847382095783 years. Because honestly? I don't care. I mean that in the nicest way, I promise. I'm going to think and feel a certain way and I'm allowed to express those thoughts and feelings in any way I choose. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not saying anything malicious. Yet, at the same time, you are entitled to think that this blog and what I write in it is uncalled for. That's okay. It makes sense to me why you would think that. However, just because you think that, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing it. I love writing, that's not going to change. I also understand why we can't be as close as we used to be. It, too, makes sense to me. I do, and will, miss you. We had a lot of good times. You're fun to be around, sweet, and understanding. Things happen, though. People change and move on and grow. It stinks we can't be as close as we used to be, but I'd still be there in a minute if you needed me.
Individual #4, I don't know what you have in store for you, actually. I just pray that even though we've gone through a lot of ups and downs these past few years, we stay close when we go to college. This is probably the goodbye I'm dreading the most.
Oh, and "Individual #32?" I didn't know you cared enough to read what I have to say; thank you so much. And I mean that sincerely.
Okay, I'm taking a break from telling stories for this week. Some things have kind of gone on this past week and I feel like I owe people explanations; letters. It's senior year for so many of us. Things are starting to change, people are going separate ways, and we start planning our future. I should probably mention that I hate goodbyes. I can't find a definite reason why; I just truly hate the realization that you're separating yourself from someone else for a period of time or even permanently. These letters are to people I'm either forced to say goodbye to this year or to people who I didn't want to separate from but I realize that it's what's best.
Individual #1, You have come to be my very very best friend. Like I've told you before, I can be my complete self around you and you don't judge me at all. Even my horrible singing abilities. Unfortunately, our dreams are going to separate us for a little while. We're both moving out of state. It really sucks. BUT. We're going to keep it together, promise! (#nohomo) And I'll always be there to support you; and I know you have my back too!
Individual #2, I will always always always consider you my best friend. And you will always have a place in my heart; whether you chose to take that position or not is up to you. Some circumstances have separated us this year. I don't think either of us intended to grow this far apart. I sure didn't want us to. Reality is, though, that we did and I hope that one day, things will change. We've been friends for a long time and you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why we can't all be friends. I don't understand what brought us this far apart. And I don't understand what it will take to make things right. Things just have to work out on their own, I suppose. Just know, through everything, I'm still here if you need me.
Individual #3, I kind of saw this coming. Situations like this are always tricky. Here's the bottom line though: You don't have to like what I have to say. You can think it's unnecessary for the next 37847382095783 years. Because honestly? I don't care. I mean that in the nicest way, I promise. I'm going to think and feel a certain way and I'm allowed to express those thoughts and feelings in any way I choose. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not saying anything malicious. Yet, at the same time, you are entitled to think that this blog and what I write in it is uncalled for. That's okay. It makes sense to me why you would think that. However, just because you think that, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing it. I love writing, that's not going to change. I also understand why we can't be as close as we used to be. It, too, makes sense to me. I do, and will, miss you. We had a lot of good times. You're fun to be around, sweet, and understanding. Things happen, though. People change and move on and grow. It stinks we can't be as close as we used to be, but I'd still be there in a minute if you needed me.
Individual #4, I don't know what you have in store for you, actually. I just pray that even though we've gone through a lot of ups and downs these past few years, we stay close when we go to college. This is probably the goodbye I'm dreading the most.
Oh, and "Individual #32?" I didn't know you cared enough to read what I have to say; thank you so much. And I mean that sincerely.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Chapter Two
"Mr. Know-It-All; think you know it all but you don't know a thing at all. Ain't it something y'all when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do. So you take it down like another pill to swallow. Mr.Bring-Me-Down, well you like to bring me down, don't cha? But I ain't laying down. Baby I ain't going down. Can't nobody tell me how it's going to be, nobody can make a fool out of me. Baby, you should know that I lead not follow." - Kelly Clarkson
Individual #1, That first hour biology class was probably the highlight of my freshman year. Two of our guy friends, you, and I were probably the funniest group ever. Remember the "spider-killer?" It makes me laugh even now. I've never seen a high school boy so afraid of spiders. You were there for me a lot that year; it was a horrible, horrible year. Two break-ups, a boy giving me mixed signals (who continues to give me mixed signals to this day!), and a friendship ending in a less than civil way. I'll be honest, it sucked. But you helped me through it. God bless you for that. It was so much to handle. Shoot, when my locker was next to my ex-boyfriends; I gave you my combination and you went to my locker for me. Then when I met someone new, you went to the movies with me to see the dumbest action movie ever. We couldn't even see the subtitles, so we had to stand up any time that any of the foreign people talked. Dakota Fanning regrets that one, FOR SURE. Summary of freshman year; you were always there for me. No matter what happens or how angry either of us gets at the other, I will always think of you as a true best friend because of that year.
Individual #2, I don't remember when we started being friends instead of enemies. I've tried really really hard to remember, but I can't. I just remember we started hanging out more often. We became best friends, even at the age of eight. We would sit on the two slides that were attached at recess and talk to each other, most days. I remember one rainy day, I came over to your house with some jelly beans. I thought they were the greatest thing, because my dad had showed me this "game" where you could tell someone they were eating one flavor and actually they were eating something horrible. Cool, right? Anyways, you just burst out of no where and told me: "You know, when people ask me who I like, I tell them you." Oookay, honestly I had a blonde moment when you told me that. I truly thought you would say "you" back to them when they asked and not my name. But eventually it clicked; you liked me. And I liked you. But I was eight. I had no clue how to tell you that back. In fact, I'm pretty sure I never told you that I felt the same way back until years later.
Individual #3, In 9th grade, you also sat next to me in history. We talked a little, I think. Nothing serious. I still remember getting the impression that you felt you were above us all. Sophomore year, I was around you more. You were still dating my friend, so you were accepted into our group. We became better friends and hung out with just our group of friends. I don't remember there being any real problems, that year. I kind of did my own thing, back then.
Individual #4, I don't think we hung out much after that. Like I know we did sometimes and I know we texted on occasion. I just don't remember any real "hanging out" being done right after that initial sleepover. Junior year, I know we hung out sometimes. It was usually with a mutual friend, though. Towards the end of junior year, we started to talk more, I think. And I know that this summer we started to hang out more often. We had some adventures, didn't we?
Individual #5, On June 29th, 2008 I woke up like it was any other day. You had finally gotten a phone on your 14th birthday, so we had been texting. You told me that that day was the other girl's birthday and you were going to her party but maybe we'd meet up afterwards. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by this. I thought that meant that you were going to pick her. I remember staring out the window, at one point, and thinking about how crazy I was about you. It may sound creepy, but I'd swear I was already falling in love with you. And you were going to pick her. My day went on as usual after that. I was hanging out with two of my guy friends later that night, when they began to ask me some strange questions about you. Like how I would feel if you asked me out, what would I say, and how much I liked you. I wanted you to ask me out; I liked you so much. But the thought of it made me nervous. I should have taken their questions as a sign, but I thought nothing of it at the time. It was close enough to the Fourth of July that people were lighting off small stuff. I was still with my two friends at a house down the street, just setting stuff off, when you showed up wearing that lopsided smile that I had grown to adore. That's when it hit me. You were there to ask me out. I don't know why the thought didn't occur to me earlier. I think I was just wrapped up in the fact that you went to her party and that must have meant you didn't like me. As soon as you showed up, I freaked out and ran down the street to my house. I was THAT nervous. Lucky for me, you followed close behind and came up to the door after I had went inside. I walked back outside and greeted you. I didn't even get a "hey" back, I just got "Uh, Jordan, would you, um, want to go to a movie sometime?" I couldn't even look at you, I was so shy and excited. I tossed out a "sure" and ran back inside, explaining that I needed my shoes. That was it. That was the start of us. And, come to find out, while you were at the other girls party, you showed them my picture and talked about how you were going to ask me out later. I was worried for nothing.
Individual #1, That first hour biology class was probably the highlight of my freshman year. Two of our guy friends, you, and I were probably the funniest group ever. Remember the "spider-killer?" It makes me laugh even now. I've never seen a high school boy so afraid of spiders. You were there for me a lot that year; it was a horrible, horrible year. Two break-ups, a boy giving me mixed signals (who continues to give me mixed signals to this day!), and a friendship ending in a less than civil way. I'll be honest, it sucked. But you helped me through it. God bless you for that. It was so much to handle. Shoot, when my locker was next to my ex-boyfriends; I gave you my combination and you went to my locker for me. Then when I met someone new, you went to the movies with me to see the dumbest action movie ever. We couldn't even see the subtitles, so we had to stand up any time that any of the foreign people talked. Dakota Fanning regrets that one, FOR SURE. Summary of freshman year; you were always there for me. No matter what happens or how angry either of us gets at the other, I will always think of you as a true best friend because of that year.
Individual #2, I don't remember when we started being friends instead of enemies. I've tried really really hard to remember, but I can't. I just remember we started hanging out more often. We became best friends, even at the age of eight. We would sit on the two slides that were attached at recess and talk to each other, most days. I remember one rainy day, I came over to your house with some jelly beans. I thought they were the greatest thing, because my dad had showed me this "game" where you could tell someone they were eating one flavor and actually they were eating something horrible. Cool, right? Anyways, you just burst out of no where and told me: "You know, when people ask me who I like, I tell them you." Oookay, honestly I had a blonde moment when you told me that. I truly thought you would say "you" back to them when they asked and not my name. But eventually it clicked; you liked me. And I liked you. But I was eight. I had no clue how to tell you that back. In fact, I'm pretty sure I never told you that I felt the same way back until years later.
Individual #3, In 9th grade, you also sat next to me in history. We talked a little, I think. Nothing serious. I still remember getting the impression that you felt you were above us all. Sophomore year, I was around you more. You were still dating my friend, so you were accepted into our group. We became better friends and hung out with just our group of friends. I don't remember there being any real problems, that year. I kind of did my own thing, back then.
Individual #4, I don't think we hung out much after that. Like I know we did sometimes and I know we texted on occasion. I just don't remember any real "hanging out" being done right after that initial sleepover. Junior year, I know we hung out sometimes. It was usually with a mutual friend, though. Towards the end of junior year, we started to talk more, I think. And I know that this summer we started to hang out more often. We had some adventures, didn't we?
Individual #5, On June 29th, 2008 I woke up like it was any other day. You had finally gotten a phone on your 14th birthday, so we had been texting. You told me that that day was the other girl's birthday and you were going to her party but maybe we'd meet up afterwards. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by this. I thought that meant that you were going to pick her. I remember staring out the window, at one point, and thinking about how crazy I was about you. It may sound creepy, but I'd swear I was already falling in love with you. And you were going to pick her. My day went on as usual after that. I was hanging out with two of my guy friends later that night, when they began to ask me some strange questions about you. Like how I would feel if you asked me out, what would I say, and how much I liked you. I wanted you to ask me out; I liked you so much. But the thought of it made me nervous. I should have taken their questions as a sign, but I thought nothing of it at the time. It was close enough to the Fourth of July that people were lighting off small stuff. I was still with my two friends at a house down the street, just setting stuff off, when you showed up wearing that lopsided smile that I had grown to adore. That's when it hit me. You were there to ask me out. I don't know why the thought didn't occur to me earlier. I think I was just wrapped up in the fact that you went to her party and that must have meant you didn't like me. As soon as you showed up, I freaked out and ran down the street to my house. I was THAT nervous. Lucky for me, you followed close behind and came up to the door after I had went inside. I walked back outside and greeted you. I didn't even get a "hey" back, I just got "Uh, Jordan, would you, um, want to go to a movie sometime?" I couldn't even look at you, I was so shy and excited. I tossed out a "sure" and ran back inside, explaining that I needed my shoes. That was it. That was the start of us. And, come to find out, while you were at the other girls party, you showed them my picture and talked about how you were going to ask me out later. I was worried for nothing.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Chapter One
"Your clothes never wear as well the next day and your hair never falls in quite the same way. You never seem to run out of things to say. This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.." -Story of A Girl by Nine Days
So, this is the beginning. Chapter One of my story. I'm honestly a little excited to write this all down. But at the same time, I'm really not. I know that it's not going to be easy; remembering all these things and putting them down into words for what they are. I'm going to, though. I also am putting rules into place. Rule One: I will tell the truth all the time, every time. Rule Two: Some of these people might be pretty easy to figure out. Some of the stories people already know a little bit about. However, if someone were to approach me and ask who one of the stories was with; I would never tell. Rule Three: I picked the people for the stories based on who has had a major impact on my life in recent years; good or bad. That's not really a "rule" but it had to be said anyway. Also, I think it should be explained how I'm still telling my story through letters. They're not really letters, I suppose. They're just chapters of my experiences with people that combine and intertwine to make my life. I tell them separately to avoid confusion. Make sense? Now; let the story begin..
Individual #1, I don't remember "meeting" you, officially. I remember being in 8th grade history together and you calling me an "Amish boy" and me just taking it. That story always makes me smile. I don't even remember where that nickname came from. You just said it and I thought 'Well, that's weird.' and moved on. And we became unspoken partners for everything. You know that person in a class that's the only person you know, so you have this unspoken agreement to be partners in EVERYTHING to avoid being paired with the weird kids by process of elimination? That was us. I don't think we ever talked outside of class that year. Maybe so, but I'm not sure. Then, suddenly, freshman year we walked into first hour biology together and BOOM. It was like we were best friends all along. I remember being super relieved that I had class with you. We so seamlessly became best friends after that. I appreciated the qualities I found in you; the honesty, openness, and kindness. Looking back, I can't think of a defining moment where I realized you were my best friend. You were, just like that.
Individual #2, When we first met, I hated you. I had only one or two friends in the neighborhood, and being the eight year old's that we were, we decided to build a club. I think those seven, eight, and nine year old ages are the ages that you just have a desire to be imaginative and create. Well, our "club" was really a ditch with boards over it that we would sit inside of and eat popsicles. We kept our club pretty close to where our parents could see us if they came up the street calling us home, though, the open field of dirt and weeds where we had the club went on for miles, we never went much further than where our club was at. One day, two boys came from the opposite end of the field from where our club was. One of them was you. It was an immediate rivalry. Whenever we would go home, you guys would move or break some of the boards making our club. Being eight, we didn't have much to be angry about other than that. That was the peak of our eight year old anger. Someone destroying our club. To retaliate, I put dirt and pebbles and such in your bike helmet. My brilliant plan included you not realizing the dirt and stuff was there and putting the helmet on, obviously. And then, having all that stuff pour down your head and over your face; making you covered in dirt. Clearly, this was a brilliant plan. I've asked you before if it worked, but I can't seem to remember your answer.
Individual #3, The first time I ever met you was in 7th grade, I think. I used to envy you, to be honest. You had long hair, which I wanted. You were popular, which was something I wanted to be. And you could get everyone's attention, which I always wanted to have. You seemed to have it all together and I was the nerd with braces and a bad habit of wearing baggy jeans and brown and teal shirts. Then, in 9th grade I believe, you started dating one of my good friends. Truthfully, I remember thinking 'What does she see in him?!' Not out of rudeness to him, but just because I remember feeling like you were way above the rest of us. The first time I ever hung out with you was when we all went to a play at our school. You seemed nice enough. And you seemed to really like my friend. So, I passed you off as okay and didn't see you much after that.
Individual #4, I've said it before; I didn't want to like you. I mean, I didn't outright dislike you. It was just instinct, I think, not to want to like you. I felt like you were taking away my best friend. So when we arranged a sleepover, it was understandable why I was not too excited. I figured it would be super awkward and quiet. And it was, at first, I think. I was probably trying to make dumb jokes to defuse the silence. Eventually, I think we all set stuff up to go to bed and we all kind of chatted about different things. And one by one, people fell asleep. We were the last two up. We literally had the best talk I think I've ever had with one of my friends. You understood everything I was going through at the time, and vice versa. Then when one of our friends started talking in her sleep, we asked her stupid questions until we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I'm not sure how late we were up that night, but it was then that I realized we could be friends, and you weren't trying to steal my best friend, and that you were actually really nice and down-to-earth.
Individual #5, The first time we met was in 3rd grade. I used to make fun of you, a lot. I guess I was kind of a bully. You were nerdy and super into fish and fishing, so I think you were an easy target for me. I don't think we were even friends. I just teased you a lot. We were in different classes in 4th grade so after that I don't remember you at all until you were put in my 8th grade history class. You also started to hang out with my group of neighborhood friends, so you were around more. I noticed you immediately. You had this incredibly charming lopsided smile and, at the time, your long hair that flipped out at the sides and curled around your hat was insanely cute to me. I don't think we talked much in that history class until second semester of it. But I remember one day in March or April of 2008, I was walking through the cafeteria and I saw your picture on the wall. I was, once again, struck by how cute you were. Back then, we had a really good student email program that everyone actually used, so I emailed you. I'm not sure exactly what it said, but it was something about seeing your picture in the cafeteria. You replied telling me that you were student of the month. We started talking and I remember each time that we started a new conversation, you would start off the message with "Salutations!". You didn't have a phone then, so email was the only way we really talked to each other. We emailed and IM-ed a lot, I remember. You would even IM me to my phone so we could talk whenever. It was obvious we liked each other. Everyone knew. You didn't ask me out because you kind of liked another girl too, you said. In the end, she became your best friend and I became your girlfriend; starting on June 29th, 2008.
End of Chapter One.
So, this is the beginning. Chapter One of my story. I'm honestly a little excited to write this all down. But at the same time, I'm really not. I know that it's not going to be easy; remembering all these things and putting them down into words for what they are. I'm going to, though. I also am putting rules into place. Rule One: I will tell the truth all the time, every time. Rule Two: Some of these people might be pretty easy to figure out. Some of the stories people already know a little bit about. However, if someone were to approach me and ask who one of the stories was with; I would never tell. Rule Three: I picked the people for the stories based on who has had a major impact on my life in recent years; good or bad. That's not really a "rule" but it had to be said anyway. Also, I think it should be explained how I'm still telling my story through letters. They're not really letters, I suppose. They're just chapters of my experiences with people that combine and intertwine to make my life. I tell them separately to avoid confusion. Make sense? Now; let the story begin..
Individual #1, I don't remember "meeting" you, officially. I remember being in 8th grade history together and you calling me an "Amish boy" and me just taking it. That story always makes me smile. I don't even remember where that nickname came from. You just said it and I thought 'Well, that's weird.' and moved on. And we became unspoken partners for everything. You know that person in a class that's the only person you know, so you have this unspoken agreement to be partners in EVERYTHING to avoid being paired with the weird kids by process of elimination? That was us. I don't think we ever talked outside of class that year. Maybe so, but I'm not sure. Then, suddenly, freshman year we walked into first hour biology together and BOOM. It was like we were best friends all along. I remember being super relieved that I had class with you. We so seamlessly became best friends after that. I appreciated the qualities I found in you; the honesty, openness, and kindness. Looking back, I can't think of a defining moment where I realized you were my best friend. You were, just like that.
Individual #2, When we first met, I hated you. I had only one or two friends in the neighborhood, and being the eight year old's that we were, we decided to build a club. I think those seven, eight, and nine year old ages are the ages that you just have a desire to be imaginative and create. Well, our "club" was really a ditch with boards over it that we would sit inside of and eat popsicles. We kept our club pretty close to where our parents could see us if they came up the street calling us home, though, the open field of dirt and weeds where we had the club went on for miles, we never went much further than where our club was at. One day, two boys came from the opposite end of the field from where our club was. One of them was you. It was an immediate rivalry. Whenever we would go home, you guys would move or break some of the boards making our club. Being eight, we didn't have much to be angry about other than that. That was the peak of our eight year old anger. Someone destroying our club. To retaliate, I put dirt and pebbles and such in your bike helmet. My brilliant plan included you not realizing the dirt and stuff was there and putting the helmet on, obviously. And then, having all that stuff pour down your head and over your face; making you covered in dirt. Clearly, this was a brilliant plan. I've asked you before if it worked, but I can't seem to remember your answer.
Individual #3, The first time I ever met you was in 7th grade, I think. I used to envy you, to be honest. You had long hair, which I wanted. You were popular, which was something I wanted to be. And you could get everyone's attention, which I always wanted to have. You seemed to have it all together and I was the nerd with braces and a bad habit of wearing baggy jeans and brown and teal shirts. Then, in 9th grade I believe, you started dating one of my good friends. Truthfully, I remember thinking 'What does she see in him?!' Not out of rudeness to him, but just because I remember feeling like you were way above the rest of us. The first time I ever hung out with you was when we all went to a play at our school. You seemed nice enough. And you seemed to really like my friend. So, I passed you off as okay and didn't see you much after that.
Individual #4, I've said it before; I didn't want to like you. I mean, I didn't outright dislike you. It was just instinct, I think, not to want to like you. I felt like you were taking away my best friend. So when we arranged a sleepover, it was understandable why I was not too excited. I figured it would be super awkward and quiet. And it was, at first, I think. I was probably trying to make dumb jokes to defuse the silence. Eventually, I think we all set stuff up to go to bed and we all kind of chatted about different things. And one by one, people fell asleep. We were the last two up. We literally had the best talk I think I've ever had with one of my friends. You understood everything I was going through at the time, and vice versa. Then when one of our friends started talking in her sleep, we asked her stupid questions until we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I'm not sure how late we were up that night, but it was then that I realized we could be friends, and you weren't trying to steal my best friend, and that you were actually really nice and down-to-earth.
Individual #5, The first time we met was in 3rd grade. I used to make fun of you, a lot. I guess I was kind of a bully. You were nerdy and super into fish and fishing, so I think you were an easy target for me. I don't think we were even friends. I just teased you a lot. We were in different classes in 4th grade so after that I don't remember you at all until you were put in my 8th grade history class. You also started to hang out with my group of neighborhood friends, so you were around more. I noticed you immediately. You had this incredibly charming lopsided smile and, at the time, your long hair that flipped out at the sides and curled around your hat was insanely cute to me. I don't think we talked much in that history class until second semester of it. But I remember one day in March or April of 2008, I was walking through the cafeteria and I saw your picture on the wall. I was, once again, struck by how cute you were. Back then, we had a really good student email program that everyone actually used, so I emailed you. I'm not sure exactly what it said, but it was something about seeing your picture in the cafeteria. You replied telling me that you were student of the month. We started talking and I remember each time that we started a new conversation, you would start off the message with "Salutations!". You didn't have a phone then, so email was the only way we really talked to each other. We emailed and IM-ed a lot, I remember. You would even IM me to my phone so we could talk whenever. It was obvious we liked each other. Everyone knew. You didn't ask me out because you kind of liked another girl too, you said. In the end, she became your best friend and I became your girlfriend; starting on June 29th, 2008.
End of Chapter One.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Turning Tables
"I can't keep up with your turning tables; under your thumb I can't breathe. So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no. I won't ask you, you to just desert me. I can't give you what you think you gave me. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables." - Adele
I literally hate high school. I hate being constantly watched in my classes. I hate having to be up so early. I hate the rules; I'm ready to be free. I hate the social pressures. But the number one thing I can't stand? I hate the gossip and rumors and all of the people talking about you behind your back. I despise it. We're all guilty, but because of my own insecurity, it drives me especially crazy. However, I have had enough. I'm tired of people assuming they know me, that they know where I come from, and assuming they know what's going on in my head and in my life. This is my story. MY story; MY life. Do you understand me, right now? MY story. And I'm choosing to tell it. How I want to tell it; in this blog. I've always said I can write better than I can talk. So I'll write it out. I'll tell the truth; 100% of the time. I promise you that. I swear to you, everything I ever say will be the truth. No matter how it makes me look or how it makes anyone else look. I'm past the point of caring. I just want people to know, once and for all, what really happened. People will always talk. I figure I might as well let them keep talking but at the same time, let them talk about the truth. I don't care about the backlash of this, to be honest. I just don't anymore.
So, moral of the story; MY story. Each week, I'm going to try and blog. I'm not sure how I'll organize it yet. Either I'll keep writing letters and just progress through my story with each person or I'll do one story a week. But, oh, it's happening. It's time my story gets told. And I sure hope you read it, and understand it, and learn something you didn't know before. But, most of all, I hope you can relate. See you soon.
I literally hate high school. I hate being constantly watched in my classes. I hate having to be up so early. I hate the rules; I'm ready to be free. I hate the social pressures. But the number one thing I can't stand? I hate the gossip and rumors and all of the people talking about you behind your back. I despise it. We're all guilty, but because of my own insecurity, it drives me especially crazy. However, I have had enough. I'm tired of people assuming they know me, that they know where I come from, and assuming they know what's going on in my head and in my life. This is my story. MY story; MY life. Do you understand me, right now? MY story. And I'm choosing to tell it. How I want to tell it; in this blog. I've always said I can write better than I can talk. So I'll write it out. I'll tell the truth; 100% of the time. I promise you that. I swear to you, everything I ever say will be the truth. No matter how it makes me look or how it makes anyone else look. I'm past the point of caring. I just want people to know, once and for all, what really happened. People will always talk. I figure I might as well let them keep talking but at the same time, let them talk about the truth. I don't care about the backlash of this, to be honest. I just don't anymore.
So, moral of the story; MY story. Each week, I'm going to try and blog. I'm not sure how I'll organize it yet. Either I'll keep writing letters and just progress through my story with each person or I'll do one story a week. But, oh, it's happening. It's time my story gets told. And I sure hope you read it, and understand it, and learn something you didn't know before. But, most of all, I hope you can relate. See you soon.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Something Beautiful
"Hey now, this is my desire. Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I am in reach, 'cause I am down on my knees and waiting for something beautiful. In a day dream, I couldn't live like this. I wouldn't stop until I've found something beautiful. When I wake up, and all I want is what I have, you know its still not what I need; something beautiful." - Something Beautiful, NEEDTOBREATHE
Well, September is over. I'm extremely excited for October, to be honest. It kicks off with homecoming and ends with one of my favorite holidays, Halloween. I think that I'm forever amazed by the beauty of fall and of the world around me. The leaves changing and the sunflowers showing up everywhere put the biggest smile on my face. I've decided that fall, which started on September 23rd, ironically enough, is going to be a new chapter of my life. I believe that's why I'm so confused as to why everyone is still worried about me. I feel like it's so obvious that I'm doing fine. Better than fine. I'm learning so many things about life that I haven't noticed before. It's literally like I'm looking at the world with new eyes. That's what I wanted to share today. Things I've learned, and things I've noticed, and things I'm working on because it's with this progress that I'm becoming who I'm meant to be.
First of all, what's become most apparent is the problems with couples today. I hate seeing them fight and complain. All. The. Time. It's so simple. Are you happy within your relationship? Are you happy within your daily life? If the answer is no, then break up. And get happy. You're wasting your time and energy being unhappy. Don't let someone else control your mood if they're constantly changing it to angry or sad. Go make yourself happy. I can't stress that enough. It seems so dumb, but seriously. Go be free and do things that make you smile; that make you come alive. You'll see what I mean.
Next, don't care. Just, flat out, don't care. Move on from the things or the people that trouble you. Drama within your group of friends? Don't get involved; don't care. Hard test tomorrow? Don't worry; don't care. Bad day? Don't stress; don't care. This one might take more explanation, though. By no means sit around like a lump and not do anything ever. But think of all the things that you let affect you on a day to day basis. You are destroying yourself by letting your worries and stresses consume you. Let your friends work it out for themselves, study what you can for the test, and pick out five good things about your day. There will always be drama, hard tests, and rough days. Why dedicate yourself to freaking out over one? Be positive, do what you can, and forget it. Easy.
Then, don't be THAT friend. The one that constantly hates on themselves. I guarantee you are beautiful. I can personally guarantee it. Be confident; smile. Let everyone see the light that shines inside you.
And, surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Walk away from those that only try to make you fall. You're better than that. Everyone has that one person that just consistently makes them feel worse. Forget them. Go hang out with someone that makes you laugh; that lifts you up and compliments your good qualities.
Oh! Know that God never gives you more than you can handle. Just when you think you've had enough, just when you think there's no way to recover, and just when you think you can't go on is when you do. You start to survive and grow and change at that exact moment. The very exact moment, I swear to you. That one single moment becomes a defining time in your life. God has your back. He's giving you an opportunity to better yourself; so take it and survive. Survive, survive, survive.
Finally, you should know that love is louder. Love is louder than anything bad that anyone will ever have to say about you or to you. Love is louder than your insecurities and self-doubt. Love is louder than hating yourself, louder than hating other people; love is so much louder than hate in general. Let your love for the world around you, the people you care about, and for yourself consume you. That is when you'll find happiness.
http://www.loveislouder.com/
Well, September is over. I'm extremely excited for October, to be honest. It kicks off with homecoming and ends with one of my favorite holidays, Halloween. I think that I'm forever amazed by the beauty of fall and of the world around me. The leaves changing and the sunflowers showing up everywhere put the biggest smile on my face. I've decided that fall, which started on September 23rd, ironically enough, is going to be a new chapter of my life. I believe that's why I'm so confused as to why everyone is still worried about me. I feel like it's so obvious that I'm doing fine. Better than fine. I'm learning so many things about life that I haven't noticed before. It's literally like I'm looking at the world with new eyes. That's what I wanted to share today. Things I've learned, and things I've noticed, and things I'm working on because it's with this progress that I'm becoming who I'm meant to be.
First of all, what's become most apparent is the problems with couples today. I hate seeing them fight and complain. All. The. Time. It's so simple. Are you happy within your relationship? Are you happy within your daily life? If the answer is no, then break up. And get happy. You're wasting your time and energy being unhappy. Don't let someone else control your mood if they're constantly changing it to angry or sad. Go make yourself happy. I can't stress that enough. It seems so dumb, but seriously. Go be free and do things that make you smile; that make you come alive. You'll see what I mean.
Next, don't care. Just, flat out, don't care. Move on from the things or the people that trouble you. Drama within your group of friends? Don't get involved; don't care. Hard test tomorrow? Don't worry; don't care. Bad day? Don't stress; don't care. This one might take more explanation, though. By no means sit around like a lump and not do anything ever. But think of all the things that you let affect you on a day to day basis. You are destroying yourself by letting your worries and stresses consume you. Let your friends work it out for themselves, study what you can for the test, and pick out five good things about your day. There will always be drama, hard tests, and rough days. Why dedicate yourself to freaking out over one? Be positive, do what you can, and forget it. Easy.
Then, don't be THAT friend. The one that constantly hates on themselves. I guarantee you are beautiful. I can personally guarantee it. Be confident; smile. Let everyone see the light that shines inside you.
And, surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Walk away from those that only try to make you fall. You're better than that. Everyone has that one person that just consistently makes them feel worse. Forget them. Go hang out with someone that makes you laugh; that lifts you up and compliments your good qualities.
Oh! Know that God never gives you more than you can handle. Just when you think you've had enough, just when you think there's no way to recover, and just when you think you can't go on is when you do. You start to survive and grow and change at that exact moment. The very exact moment, I swear to you. That one single moment becomes a defining time in your life. God has your back. He's giving you an opportunity to better yourself; so take it and survive. Survive, survive, survive.
Finally, you should know that love is louder. Love is louder than anything bad that anyone will ever have to say about you or to you. Love is louder than your insecurities and self-doubt. Love is louder than hating yourself, louder than hating other people; love is so much louder than hate in general. Let your love for the world around you, the people you care about, and for yourself consume you. That is when you'll find happiness.
http://www.loveislouder.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)