Last Kiss

"So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. I hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day; and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. We can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." -Taylor Swift

It was most definitely a long time coming. You know, I almost titled this "Love Story" because that's what this was. A love story. Two kids on the playground turn into 14 year olds that find each other on accident and, over three years, fall in love and grow up together. Now, let me make several things clear about the end of our story:

1. It was never as easy as people thought. We fought. Three years is hard to accomplish when you're young. It was by no means complete and all out war all the time. I want no one to think that. We were happy. But we fought too.

2. This was as close to mutual as it could be. Time apart was what was best. Neither of us was gaining anything from being together, at that point. He was stressed from building his future and I was struggling with issues I've been struggling with since I was a kid.

3. You will NEVER hear me sling this kid's name through the mud. Just because it's over and it hurts more than I ever could have anticipated does not give me an excuse to air dirty laundry. He is/was/always will be a wonderful man.

4. I regret nothing.

5. I will always believe in love and love stories.

6. You want to talk to me about this? Go ahead. I have nothing to hide. For some reason, I have complete trust in the fact that anything I tell you about what happened, he will back up. We've had each others backs since 2008. No reason why we still can't.

7. Going along with #6, let it be known that if you have a problem with the way that I just handled this, you can definitely take that up with me. Writing is my outlet, I've haven't done or said anything wrong here.

8. Finally, I will treasure every single minute of our time together. Every single minute since June 29th, 2008. I am okay now. I'm okay by myself and that alone shows me that I'm growing from this. Two weeks ago I would have told you that I couldn't make it out of a situation like this. And two weeks ago, that would have been true. But I'm making it. I'm making it. I am alive and while the wound is still so very fresh; I am alive and I am working on being happy again. And, "mystery man" , the only thing (and the last thing) I ever want you to know and I will ever write to you can be summed up best in a Rascal Flatts song (isn't that so like me?!):

           "I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow. I hope each road leads you where you want to go. And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking 'till you find a window. If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.... I hope you never look back and you never forget all the ones that love you and the place you left. I hope you always forgive, you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, I hope you find God's grace in every mistake and always give more than you take. But more than anything; more than anything: my wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to." -My Wish, Rascal Flatts

The end..

Long Live

"Long live the walls we crashed through, as the kingdom lights shined just for me and you. I was screaming, 'Long live all the magic we made. And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid.' Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. I was screaming, 'Long live the look on your face. And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered.' Hold on, we're spinning around. Confetti falls to the ground. May these memories break our fall." -Taylor Swift

Well. Its my senior year. I can't say that I'm "excited" or "looking forward" to it. Its going to be a hard year. I am somewhat proud I didn't take the easy way out and take easy classes. I will graduate high school with almost 20 credit hours at UMKC. I hope to get two things out of this school year, if anything. I hope to prepare myself for college so that I won't struggle my freshman year. And I hope to make memories. Good or bad, I hope to make some. I must admit that going back to school has caused some memories to be brought back up. You see people at school that you weren't forced to face during the summer. So, for the first time in months I've had to think of ways to act around and face these individuals. And I believe I've finally come up with what to say.

Individual #1, I feel like we both know that the only reason we can't be friendly is because of her.

Individual #2, I feel bad for the laugh. I scoffed at your kindness, and it was wrong. In my defense, its just so hard to actually act friendly to you when you cast me out for nothing. I've done nothing wrong to you. Ever. As long as I can remember, there was nothing actually wrong between just you and I. I wish we could have some sort of friendly relationship. I really do. But in this place and time, I'm not sure that's possible.

Individual #3, I hope you know that I still have no problem with you. We have so many classes together. I'd like it if we talked some time.

Individual #4, Interesting how we got pushed together again. I plan to be cautious this time around. I'm happy for the opportunity to catch up this year, though.

Individual #5, I can't wait to see the places you'll go! I consider you a brother and I hope you enjoy your time in high school and live it up to the fullest.

Individual #6, I can't stand you. I can't stand your attitude. I can't stand the way you think you're the best thing out there. I can't stand the way you treat people. I can't stand it. And I'm done standing it. I can't be around you, I won't talk to you. I refuse to let you belittle me anymore or ever again. You will not win. I will go on to better things, and I will be strong. And I'm so sorry you feel the need to try to push me down to make yourself feel better. For the record, I tried so hard to be your friend. A couple years ago, I wanted to get along with you so much. Now, I'm past the point of caring about having a friendship with you. Yeah, it would be nice. But do I want it, at this point? Nope. Not sure I will again.

There you go. That's what I'm thinking after just two days of school. This year, I'm sure, will be full of ups and downs. And I'll have low points and high points. I just hope that on graduation day, I will be able to stand and say that I don't regret a thing.

When The Sun Goes Down

"When the night is here the only thing on my mind is having a good time with my friends; that's real. You can always hear us say: 'The party doesn't start till the sun goes down.' That's when everything starts moving; everybody out when the sun goes down. The music isn't on till its way too loud; that's when everyone starts dancing. Everybody shout when the sun goes down." -Selena Gomez and the Scene

This song was the perfect theme to my summer. During the day, you work and get everything done. When the sun goes down? Its a completely different story. Anything goes at night. This summer wasn't anything mind-blowing but a lot of things definitely happened that were fun and new and life-changing. Let's review:

June: A lot of night-swimming! I used to hate night-swimming but I've grown to love it. No little kids around, no lifeguards. Its more fun. June 9th (I think..) I left for Europe! That trip totally changed my outlook on the world. Completely and totally. It was so interesting, exciting, different, and fun. I'm glad I roomed with the girls that I did; we definitely bonded! As Rocco told us, we were like a gang. And to prove our strength we should beat up someone weaker. :) I don't think I would have wanted to have been armed with hangers during a break-in with anyone else. The rest of June..I really cannot remember. It blended together, honestly. I got back on the 19th and after that it was just hanging out with friends and working. 

July: I LOVE THE FOURTH OF JULY. I love blowing things up. I love being stupid with explosives. Its just part of being young. My fourth was pretty full of drama, but trust me. Its nothing new with this crowd. Regardless, we blew up a watermelon and a gas-line and I loved it. I loved watching four boys run around shirtless ("Because we care more about our shirts than our skin!") with safety goggles on shooting roman candles at each other while diving and rolling around in the grass like ninjas. In July I also learned who really belongs in my life and the difference between a true friend and a fake friend. I feel like I weeded out those that were just not good for my self-esteem and moved on. I realized who my real friends were and I'm so thankful for them. We have a blast, don't we ladies? It was then I think I really started to enjoy my summer ("Its the ghost of apartments past!" "Oooooh, ahhhh!" "...I'm out.")! I also discovered "tagging." I really didn't think of that an actual "hobby" until this summer. It's a hobby, trust me. And its a definite skill too. Here's the deal with tagging: You dress up like ninjas (complete with war-paint!) and just tag until the cows come home. And if you don't want to be tagged? Its no biggie, it washes off ("I can't even drive homeeeeee!"). So its definitely a good time. July also had a couple trips to the Farmer's Market mixed in, which were definitely enjoyable. For the record: I love the Farmers Market. 

August: August has already started off well! I got accepted into K-State, which was the highlight of my freaking summer! Knowing that my future is already fairly certain is so comforting. And honestly, knowing that I'm going 2 hours and 24 minutes away is a beautiful thing. I really do not care for Liberty. Kansas City is cool but Liberty...no. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to move away (and yes, I'm moving to Manhattan full time) and start over and start my life on my own. I'm past the point of needing someone to hold my hand to get stuff done; aka high school. I want to meet new people, learn new things, and get a change of scenery. So now, we have two weeks-ish until senior year starts. I'm ready to get this show on the road. Its going to go by so slow, but I'm ready to just start it and get it done and head off to college. 

This summer has been memorable because of all of the things above and much more. Its definitely one for the books. And regardless of the drama, the arguing, the heat, the good times and the bad; I wouldn't ever change it or regret it at all.