"Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road, I tried to swerve. People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out; but nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout. And we know its never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe; without you, but I have to." -Taylor Swift
Life is messy. I think we all know that. As T-Swift says, and I honestly remember all the time: "People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out." People are going to do things that hurt you, they're going to say things that hurt you too. People might shut you out when you need them the most or people might prove you wrong and show up at just the right moment. They might be the best friend you ever had or they might be your greatest downfall. People are people. Its up to you, though, whether you allow those people to affect you and allow them into your life. Its up to you whether you let them stay or let them go. You have to choose. Who's worth having around; who's a true friend? Who consistently lets you down? And who's there through it all? These letters, this week, are my decisions. There are people I'm learning I can breathe without, people I'm learning I can't breathe without and people I'm still deciding about. Because another thing you should know is that people are people and sometimes we change our minds.
Individual #1: I can breathe without you. (I really feel like a jerk for saying that; but its reality..) I still consider you a friend but I just don't desire a really good friendship. I know that it's not my decision alone, but I just don't need your meltdowns and dramatic moods. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have our moments. I've had a few myself. But yours seem pretty consistent..and it kills me, every time. We've been through this before, too. I try and help you but you don't let me. So what good does it do for me to sit there and repeat the same lines over and over? You don't truly take them to heart; I'm just giving you attention and saying what you want to hear.
Individual #2: I can't breathe without you. But I'm learning that one day I'll have to. I'm really sorry, you. I know that I, for lack of a better word, flat out frustrated you and pissed you off. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am because of my actions. I was pathetic. I don't think its too ridiculous to be scared of the day we say goodbye, though. Like I said, I can't breathe without you. One day, in the future, I'll learn how to. I just don't want that day to come.
Individual #3: I can breathe without you. I've known this for a while. I really wish we got along really well..but we don't. Its life. Don't make me repeat it: "People are people.." Your life actually kind of makes me sad. I realize you've had some super low points that I don't think you like to make known. You have walls, I've noticed. Taller and tougher to break through than anyone else's. You put on this persona like you're just the coolest person ever and nothing can break you and nobody can beat you. Bring that down, #3. You'd have so much more success in life if you'd just drop it. I mean that in the nicest way, I swear.
Individual #4: I can't breathe without you. I learned that super recently. I need you as a friend and in my life. I'm glad we talked. BUT. I don't want things to be the way they used to, all those months ago. To be honest, it makes me sick to my stomach. I was playing a role that I never auditioned for and I never wanted. I sympathize with you, really I do. If anyone does, its me. But I can't be your crutch, your back-up. I'm just trying to be your friend; nothing more, nothing less. No strings attached.
Individual #5: I'm still deciding. I thought really highly of you until recently. Your actions have kind of disappointed me. I don't really know what to think..some lines aren't meant to be crossed.
Individual #6: I can't breathe without you. You're my one true friend, through it all. I'm so sorry. Sorrier than you'll ever know for everything last semester. I shouldn't have let things get this way. I realize more and more each day that you truly were the one that was always there for me, always a text away. Always honest and always loyal and reliable. I'm at a loss for a way to bring things back up to 100% us, but I'm trying. I miss you, #6.
Well, I'm all out of things to say. All of these decisions are things that have been on my mind lately. As usual, it feels good to get them out in the open and out of my head. Aaand...
I feel the need to say something, out of respect, that has nothing to do with this post. Becca, you were a beautiful girl. I've heard nothing but the most wonderful things about you. I'm sorry to say that I never had the privilege of knowing you really well. But I believe that no one should feel that way about their life and no one should go through it alone. I'm so sorry that you felt that way. No one, absolutely no one, ever should. My heart goes out to you and your friends and family. I know you'll be missed by so many.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Secrets
"Tell me what you want to hear, something that were like those years. I'm sick of the insincere, so I'm gonna give all my secrets away. This time, don't need another perfect line. Don't care if critics ever jump in line, I'm gonna give all my secrets away." -OneRepublic
True life: I am an embarrassing person. I really am. I'm kind of a closet nerd, except not really in the closet. So basically just a nerd! And I have secrets. Little ones, not really any big ones. I'm pretty sure that anyone reading this will read my secrets and realize that yes, I am a nerd. Which is why I started you all out with the true fact that I am a nerd. Just so you knew what you are going into. I'm not sure why I decided to write all these out. This is really just me. Take it or leave it. So true to the song, I don't care if I'm laughed at for any of these and I don't care if I'm laughed at for having this blog. Period. Critics can jump in line. But for those of you that are just curious, these are my secrets; silly as they are.
Secret #1: I know two Hannah Montana dances. I actually like dancing in general. I'm not entirely sure if I have any actual potential with it, though. But anyways, since I was still into Disney back in like 9th-ish grade, I knew most Hannah Montana songs. I even went and saw the Hannah Montana movie. Haters can hate, I thought it was cute. I was, for the longest time, obsessed with learning the Hoedown Throw-down though. I searched for a how-to video on Youtube and actually found one done by Miley Cyrus herself. Sooo, I learned the dance. And I still know it. Then I learned most of the dance to Ice Cream Freeze around a year ago. I am not ashamed. I really just chalk it up to the fact that I do enjoy dancing, and I found a song with an easy dance.
Secret #2: I hardcore hold concerts in my car, every. single. time. I'm behind the wheel. I can't drive decently without belting whatever songs I feel like singing. I really can't sing, at all! In fact, I'm terrible at it. But it's nice to pretend! And my driving has definitely improved because of it. So, next time you see me driving anywhere, look at me. Odds are, I'm singing. Or your can hear my music in your own car. It's usually blasting so I can't hear myself. :)
Secret #3: I'm obsessed with and fully believe horoscopes and fortune cookies. I keep every single fortune cookie slip I ever get from Panda Express. True life: One of them said "Buy the red car." Yeah, my car is def red and I def picked it out based on that slip. And because my mom didn't want a blue car. But deep down? Its all because of the fortune cookie! And now, my Mazda 3 (affectionately named Sally) is the perfect car for me. I also own a book called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and its completely accurate. It predicts people 100% correctly all based on their birthday. I believe all that stuff! Aaaaand, I do have a lucky number. Two, actually. 13 and 23. 23 is my anniversary date every month and ever since it became that, it pops up everywhere. Plus, it makes sense because my dad's lucky number is 22 and I'm identical to him. So 23 it is! I also picked 13 because I firmly believe that if you keep the bad luck with you, it won't be as "bad."
Secret #4: I am also obsessed with Full House, the tv show from the 80's and 90's. I own all 8 seasons and will watch them religiously. I can name every episode by name. I can turn on the tv when Full House is playing and most likely tell you "Oh, that's 'The Miracle of Thanksgiving' and its from season one." And I'm 95% sure that the reason I want a big family is because of Full House. Like, I get it's fake. Its a scripted sit-com. But I still like the idea of parents being close to the kids and always helping out your family. Again, this is just me.
Secret #5: I have a terrible time with getting rid of grudges. Like I forgive, but I never forget. And I let the emotions of that one particularly haunting moment dictate my thoughts toward that person for a long time. I wish I could change it! But I can never seem to overcome it.
Secret #6: I have this "eating disorder" where I literally go around the foods on my plate and eat them one at a time. And the weirdest part is probably the fact that I eat the "main course" last. Perfect example: Lets say you have a cheese-burger, tater tots and pickles on a plate. Any normal person will eat them in any random order. I eat the alllllll the pickles first, then I eat alllllllll the tater tots, then I eat MOST of the cheese-burger. I say "most" because I ate everything else first, right? So I'm usually not near as hungry when it comes to the main food. I didn't realize I even did it until my dad pointed it out a while ago. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've been doing it since I was old enough to eat lunches at school..and never stopped!
Well, these are my secrets. Again, I don't really know why I felt the urge to write these down. It was honestly kind of a waste of my time and probably a waste of yours to read them all! But I felt like, I don't know. I just wanted to share! These are the things that make me, me. And I'll never be ashamed of them. I am silly, and I am a dork, and I am me.
True life: I am an embarrassing person. I really am. I'm kind of a closet nerd, except not really in the closet. So basically just a nerd! And I have secrets. Little ones, not really any big ones. I'm pretty sure that anyone reading this will read my secrets and realize that yes, I am a nerd. Which is why I started you all out with the true fact that I am a nerd. Just so you knew what you are going into. I'm not sure why I decided to write all these out. This is really just me. Take it or leave it. So true to the song, I don't care if I'm laughed at for any of these and I don't care if I'm laughed at for having this blog. Period. Critics can jump in line. But for those of you that are just curious, these are my secrets; silly as they are.
Secret #1: I know two Hannah Montana dances. I actually like dancing in general. I'm not entirely sure if I have any actual potential with it, though. But anyways, since I was still into Disney back in like 9th-ish grade, I knew most Hannah Montana songs. I even went and saw the Hannah Montana movie. Haters can hate, I thought it was cute. I was, for the longest time, obsessed with learning the Hoedown Throw-down though. I searched for a how-to video on Youtube and actually found one done by Miley Cyrus herself. Sooo, I learned the dance. And I still know it. Then I learned most of the dance to Ice Cream Freeze around a year ago. I am not ashamed. I really just chalk it up to the fact that I do enjoy dancing, and I found a song with an easy dance.
Secret #2: I hardcore hold concerts in my car, every. single. time. I'm behind the wheel. I can't drive decently without belting whatever songs I feel like singing. I really can't sing, at all! In fact, I'm terrible at it. But it's nice to pretend! And my driving has definitely improved because of it. So, next time you see me driving anywhere, look at me. Odds are, I'm singing. Or your can hear my music in your own car. It's usually blasting so I can't hear myself. :)
Secret #3: I'm obsessed with and fully believe horoscopes and fortune cookies. I keep every single fortune cookie slip I ever get from Panda Express. True life: One of them said "Buy the red car." Yeah, my car is def red and I def picked it out based on that slip. And because my mom didn't want a blue car. But deep down? Its all because of the fortune cookie! And now, my Mazda 3 (affectionately named Sally) is the perfect car for me. I also own a book called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and its completely accurate. It predicts people 100% correctly all based on their birthday. I believe all that stuff! Aaaaand, I do have a lucky number. Two, actually. 13 and 23. 23 is my anniversary date every month and ever since it became that, it pops up everywhere. Plus, it makes sense because my dad's lucky number is 22 and I'm identical to him. So 23 it is! I also picked 13 because I firmly believe that if you keep the bad luck with you, it won't be as "bad."
Secret #4: I am also obsessed with Full House, the tv show from the 80's and 90's. I own all 8 seasons and will watch them religiously. I can name every episode by name. I can turn on the tv when Full House is playing and most likely tell you "Oh, that's 'The Miracle of Thanksgiving' and its from season one." And I'm 95% sure that the reason I want a big family is because of Full House. Like, I get it's fake. Its a scripted sit-com. But I still like the idea of parents being close to the kids and always helping out your family. Again, this is just me.
Secret #5: I have a terrible time with getting rid of grudges. Like I forgive, but I never forget. And I let the emotions of that one particularly haunting moment dictate my thoughts toward that person for a long time. I wish I could change it! But I can never seem to overcome it.
Secret #6: I have this "eating disorder" where I literally go around the foods on my plate and eat them one at a time. And the weirdest part is probably the fact that I eat the "main course" last. Perfect example: Lets say you have a cheese-burger, tater tots and pickles on a plate. Any normal person will eat them in any random order. I eat the alllllll the pickles first, then I eat alllllllll the tater tots, then I eat MOST of the cheese-burger. I say "most" because I ate everything else first, right? So I'm usually not near as hungry when it comes to the main food. I didn't realize I even did it until my dad pointed it out a while ago. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've been doing it since I was old enough to eat lunches at school..and never stopped!
Well, these are my secrets. Again, I don't really know why I felt the urge to write these down. It was honestly kind of a waste of my time and probably a waste of yours to read them all! But I felt like, I don't know. I just wanted to share! These are the things that make me, me. And I'll never be ashamed of them. I am silly, and I am a dork, and I am me.
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