Suddenly

"Suddenly, I am in front of the lights; scary and beautiful at the same time. And every day, I try just to breathe. I want to show the world the truth inside of me. Suddenly, people know my name. Suddenly, everything has changed. Suddenly, I feel so alive; in the blink of an eye my dreams begin to reign. Suddenly time feels like the wind. It changes everywhere I go and I'm just trying to fit in. Now here I stand and I'm still just that girl. I'm following my heart in this amazing, crazy world." -Ashley Tisdale

It's amazing to me, how quickly things change and how quickly time passes and you forget things were ever different to begin with. Life goes on and for some reason, I didn't know that. I no longer appreciate the constant things in life. I used to favor routine. I would become furious when plans changed because I couldn't handle things being any different than they were. But now, I love something new. The old way I was living was wrong. Maybe not wrong, but just not right for me. Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense.

Suddenly, I appreciate the people who stick around. I needed to stop focusing on the people that brought me down and give more credit to the people that stuck around. The people who are kind and patient enough to understand that I have my moments and the people who help me through the darkest nights.

Suddenly, I see the world in color. You, and maybe you know who you are, held me in black in white for so long. I don't know if you even realized you were doing it, but you were. This fall, for the first time, the leaves shined in beautiful oranges and yellows and this winter I don't think will feel as gloomy. As dumb as it sounds, it feels lavender and not gray. I see the prettiest sunsets and sunrises and for some reason, I just never noticed them before.

Suddenly, I have a desire to create. I want to paint, a lot. So many times that my mood has shifted, I've wanted to paint and, for once, not punch something. I constantly doodle. All. The. Time. And even though people want to pay for my shoes, I will never accept money for them. I love making them too much to make people pay for them.

Suddenly, it's okay to think the way I do. I think that everyone should get a chance to get married to the person they love and to have a family. I think that tattoos and piercings are great. I think that the world should be a kinder place. I think that it's okay to wander around Price Chopper for hours because you can. I think that if breaking bottles helps you feel better, you should do it. I think it's okay not to like the way a person is now. I think that taking steps to better yourself shouldn't be frowned upon. I think that being the black sheep is okay. I think it's okay to be fearless. I also think it's okay to think that anyone that bullies someone should move to Mars. And I think that there is nothing wrong with loving yourself.

Suddenly, I only see the future. Not the past. If you're always looking in the rear-view mirror, you're only going to get into an accident. Don't hold grudges or they'll hold you back.

Suddenly, I am driven by my dreams. I want to go to K-State and become the best large animal vet I can be. Then, I want to move to Switzerland because that is one of the only places I have ever felt at home. Because of all these things, I stay involved with animals. I take a lot of science classes. I study German any chance I get. I try to motivate myself to save money (that's still a work in progress......) so I can move.

Suddenly, I am not afraid. Being a stick in the mud is boring. I actually socialize and don't feel so awkward about it. I go downtown with a bunch of kids and get lost for two hours and still find a way to laugh about it. I"m not afraid to drive downtown anymore either. I dye my hair with Koolaid because I've always wanted to and hope to God it doesn't go completely wrong. I tried to double pierce my own ears; which, in case you were wondering, the whole apple thing from The Parent Trap doesn't work with just yourself. I am not afraid to say things that are on my mind. I don't particularly care what people think because I'll be gone in a few months anyway. I'm not afraid of confrontation. I don't need protecting or defending anymore.

Suddenly, everything will be okay.

Dancing Away With My Heart

"I asked you to dance on the last slow song underneath the moon that was really like a disco ball. I remember my head on your shoulder and hoping that the song would never be over. I haven't seen you in ages. Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you'll always be eighteen, and beautiful, and dancing away with my heart." -Lady Antebellum

Anyone who really knows me at all knows that I despise high school with all of my heart. All I can ever really talk about his how much I love Manhattan and K-State and how I can't wait to get away from this town. Reality is, though, I am a little scared to leave. I've made a lot of memories here. I've met amazing people and lost them too. When I leave, I will forever hold these people and the memories made with them in my heart. Some will remain frozen in my mind a certain way because that's how I remember them best; that's when I felt that person and I were on top of the world.

For me, you'll always be eight or nine. You'll be with me building clubs, eating popsicles and jelly beans, and swimming all day, forever. My memories with you are my childhood; they're the kinds of memories I want my kids to make when they're little. Everyone deserves someone like you.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. Your willingness to forgive and accept me have changed the way I think. You've taught me that not every person out there will run and I needed that.

For me, you'll always be fifteen or sixteen. You and I really were on top of the world then, huh? You've helped me through so much stuff over the years and while we've had our ups and downs, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

For me, you'll always be fifteen. We'll always be in Biology together and we'll never stop laughing. We'll be at VBS and Zona with your brother. Those are the times I wish I could still have with you.

For me, you'll always be sixteen. You'll always have your guitar and you'll always have the passion you project in your music. In my mind, we're perpetual ninjas, tearing up the town.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. You'll always be sledding, driving poorly, and acting crazy when you're hyper.

For me, you'll always be fourteen. You'll be sweet and nice. You'll be the guy that held me and didn't want to argue. You'll be the guy who failed at kayaking with me. You'll forever be the guy that turned 2008 into one of the most enchanting years of my life.

You Already Know

"This bipolar love affair just ain't where it's at for me anymore. So don't let the door hit you when you leave. You throw me in the fire just to save my life. A pretty little liar when I call you out; you'd rather put up a fight than just come clean. Get on your way to making someone else feel low, then higher than they every thought they could go. You already know. I'm giving you up, you're letting me down. Stop pretending that you're going to turn yourself around. You already know. Don't ask me why, you already know." -Train

Why do people lie? I truly don't see a reason for it. If you're afraid the truth will hurt, well, lies hurt worse. If you're trying to cover something up, I guarantee that whoever you're hiding things from will respect you a lot more for honesty. If you're afraid of the consequences that the truth brings, then don't be afraid. The consequences will help you grow. I guess I'm just not understanding why it's so difficult to be honest. If you're truly friends with/in love with/care about/care for someone, you will be honest with them because you owe them that much.

Individual #1, At least you finally admitted your lies. Or one of them. I want you to know that you didn't have to lie. I would have accepted it. But now, you've left me angry and bitter. What else didn't you tell me? I don't know you anymore. And, now, I'm not sure I ever did.

Individual #2, You especially didn't have to lie. Oh, I'm glad you did though. It opened up my eyes to the reality of what you're like. Save the rest of your story for someone else. It's finally my choice to walk away.

Individual #3, On a happier note: thank you for never lying to me! You're so honest. You even tell me the truth that hurts because you didn't want me to hear from someone else. Thank you. That's a true friend.

Individual #4, I don't know why I accused you of lying actually...it was so long ago. We got along so great then, I feel bad for ruining it. I'm glad we're closer now though!

Individual #5, You asked me to be in this weeks post. So. Here you are! You've never seriously lied to me, so your section doesn't have any real relevance. Sorrrrry about it. Just keep giving me hugs! They're my favorite part of the morning.

Chapter Four

"Long days, longer nights. You keep starting fights thinking that you always right. Call you up to tell you I ain't coming home tonight. Say you wanna leave me; it's just talkin' but I know you might. Now get along, now get along, now go. You sing along, now, to every song you know. You play your part, I'm playing mine. You breakin' hearts, ain't breakin' mine. Since growing old is takin' time, I'm acting like I'm eight or nine. Trying to move on and talking to my old friends. See me, say what's up and I'm acting like I dunno them. 'Causing so much problems, why you doing that, doing that? Ripping people's hearts out, you too cute for that, cute for that. We run into each other and it's like we don't even speak the same language. I guess people always going through changes, didn't think I would lose you once I got famous." - Missed Calls by Mac Miller

Individual #1, More on that Spanish class. Probably my favorite memory involves "M". We'll call him "M" for privacy stuff. We used to have marker wars every day that year and the teacher never caught on. We would all throw dry-erase markers at "M" and the second the teacher would catch on someone would yell out: "Stop throwing them at us, M!" and she would buy it. She would eat that up and send him to the safe seat, every time. One day, somebody else threw a metal spoon bent in half at him. I swear, I almost died laughing. Or how about the day that the teacher was reminding us that we had to conjugate certain words differently and I spun around to face her so fast and just spit out: "WHAAAAT?!" and only we thought it was funny? Spanish that year completely solidified the fact that you were my best friend. Lunch that year was funny also! We sat by a certain group of people that was notorious for being loud and obnoxious. Lord knows they would probably "hit me ovaaah the head wit a bottle!" if they knew I said that, too. 

Individual #2, As we got older, you started being more and more of a big brother to me. In 9th grade, when my long time boyfriend and I broke up you met me outside of the school, put your arm around me, and said: "Let's do this." and walked me in. I will never forget that. You have my back, always. I could never thank you enough for that. 

Individual #3, I don't remember when we started getting in fights. And I truly don't know why it's always you and I with the problem. I don't think the blame sits squarely on either persons shoulders; there's nothing specifically wrong or right about either one of us. I just know that I wish we didn't ever argue and stuff. Plus, as I've told you recently, you're the best arguer/debater out there. You scare me senseless with your words, every time. I'll admit that much. 

Individual #4, We do so much silly stuff together. Price Chopper is our current obsession. We constantly go there, but only together. And every time one of us rides in the cart, we always use my Price Chopper Shopper card, and we always use self-checkout. After one of our trips, you were driving me home and we took the long way; through the back of my neighborhood. Suddenly, I saw a trash can sitting outside my neighbors house, full of giant candy cane decorations. I made you stop and I ran and grabbed two of them, one for each of us. So now, we have our own giant candy canes that we sorta kinda stole.. One of my favorite stories, right there. 

Individual #5, While your cousin was still in town, your mom planned this big day out on the lake just playing and kayaking. We got to the lake pretty early in the morning and your cousin and I were paired up for the trip to the spot we were going to rest. She and I were too busy talking about you and our friend that she was interested in (who was also with us that day) to notice that we were drifting towards the rocks. We got to where we needed to be, though we weren't the fastest. When we all stopped, the teenagers started playing in the lake. We had this huge mud fight and it was, honestly, one of my favorite memories. After the whole lake thing was said and done, we all went back to your house. I don't know how we ended up in your brothers bedroom but we did. He had bunk beds, so your cousin and our friend were on the bottom and you and I were on the top. Meanwhile, we shoved one of your other brothers in the crack between the bunk beds and the wall. Now, before you start thinking anything happened, let me say that nothing ever did. We all honestly sat there and talked and cracked jokes. The entire time. Your brother was calling his friends from "the crack" as we called it. Plus, we were all super sunburned and tired. So we watched TV and talked. Pinky promise. Us four got along so well, too. And you and I were getting closer; I liked you more and more each day. That week or so that your cousin was there was one of the best summer weeks I've ever had. I pinky promise that too. 

Chapter Three

"Happiness was just outside my window. I thought it'd crash, blowing 80 miles an hour. But happiness is a little more like knocking on your door; you just let it in. Happiness feels a lot like sorrow. Let it be and you can't make it come or go. You are gone, not for good, but for now; but gone for now feels a lot like gone for good. Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard . Happiness was never mine to hold. Careful, child. Light the fuse and get away because happiness throws a shower of sparks. Happiness damn near destroys you; breaks your faith to pieces on the floor. So you tell yourself, that's enough for now. But happiness has a violent roar." -The Fray

Individual #1, That freshman year, I will never forget. All thanks to you. That summer, I don't remember a lot of exact events. I know that we did vacation bible school together and that was a blast and that we definitely hung out and texted all the time. Sophomore year came all too fast. We compared schedules and found that we had 5th hour Spanish together as well as Theoretical Chemistry the next hour with different teachers. Do I even need to go into how much we hated chemistry that year? We must have complained about it so much. I remember at the start of sophomore year we were so afraid to break a single rule or get beat up. Then by the end of the year, we decided to be purposefully tardy to chemistry because we hated it so much. We felt like such bad asses, I know that for sure. Spanish was a complete party. Honestly, all we did was make memories there. You first got me hooked on Kingsley videos in that class. Remember how hard we laughed during SSR when we watched his "THINGS I HATE" video? It's ironic, now that you're gone, that the memories that were once the funniest, cause the most pain.

Individual #2, We kind of faded in and out as friends once middle school started. Towards the end of 7th grade we became closer. I started liking you again either that summer or towards the beginning of 8th grade. But, now, you had a girlfriend. You were crazy about her, too. However, being the loud mouth that I am, I told you I liked you anyways. I was pretty pathetic about it, if I remember correctly. I just short of professed my love for you late one night, via text message. So cute, right?! Well, it almost was. You reminded me of your girlfriend and claimed that I was more of a sister to you than girlfriend material, in the nicest way possible. I have to give you credit for being nice about it, you really were. I don't remember being that hurt by it, honestly. I might have been. I think I was mainly accepting of it, though. I took that "sister" role and played it like a professional. We continued to get closer as the years went on and we got older. I'd like to think that no matter what happens, I'll always be your sister.

Individual #3, I used to be so envious of you. You knew the right things to wear and say. I didn't ever feel like we were really good friends until one completely random night. I don't remember why we were running from our friend, but we were. You were driving and he was chasing us around the Target/Kohls parking lot. I remember that a shake was thrown at some point? I don't even remember what the shake was for or was from. Eventually, we tricked him enough that we were able to park at Kohls and sprint inside while he was only seconds behind. We ran to the dressing room by all the men's clothes, trying to trick him more. We locked ourselves in the biggest dressing room and fell over each other laughing. He found us anyway.

Individual #4, One of my favorite adventures was the first time we went tagging. We tagged a couple people here and there and then went and found where my boyfriend at the time was paying ultimate frisbee with all his friends. Now, make no mistake, we were professional taggers. We dressed in all black, put war paint on our faces and crept up behind their cars on the ground like ninjas. I was the look out while you and our friends went and wrote on each car. No one noticed a thing. They still don't know it was us. Well, unless they read this now, I guess. Oops..

Individual #5, The first month or so that we were dating were weird. We hung out a lot because it was summer but we never really did anything. We didn't act like we were dating. People had to beg us just to hug; we were shy. I remember once, we sat in my garage for almost two hours hiding from the people that were so happy to see us finally going out. Back then, we were actually allowed in your room. I would come over and we would just sit in your room and talk. You always had so much stuff in there, I couldn't stop asking questions about it. Then, once a couple months had passed, your cousin came to town. I'm always really awkward around new people so I didn't know how this would go. The first day I met her, she presented me with a bracelet and we all decided to walk to Target. By the walk back, she and I were already friends. In fact, she became quite helpful. As we were walking, she suddenly blurted, "Something is wrong here!" and grabbed our hands and put them together. First time we held hands, all thanks to her. It was clumsy and unexpected but a memory, still. After that, things began moving faster.

This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outer space; afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place and as far as we know, we were way before our time, bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake, another bridge to take on the way to letting go. This ain't goodbye. This is just where love goes when words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold. Oh no, this ain't goodbye. It's not where our story ends, but I know you can't be mine. Not the way you've always been. But as long as we've got time, then this ain't goodbye." -Train

Okay, I'm taking a break from telling stories for this week. Some things have kind of gone on this past week and I feel like I owe people explanations; letters. It's senior year for so many of us. Things are starting to change, people are going separate ways, and we start planning our future. I should probably mention that I hate goodbyes. I can't find a definite reason why; I just truly hate the realization that you're separating yourself from someone else for a period of time or even permanently. These letters are to people I'm either forced to say goodbye to this year or to people who I didn't want to separate from but I realize that it's what's best.

Individual #1, You have come to be my very very best friend. Like I've told you before, I can be my complete self around you and you don't judge me at all. Even my horrible singing abilities. Unfortunately, our dreams are going to separate us for a little while. We're both moving out of state. It really sucks. BUT. We're going to keep it together, promise! (#nohomo) And I'll always be there to support you; and I know you have my back too!

Individual #2, I will always always always consider you my best friend. And you will always have a place in my heart; whether you chose to take that position or not is up to you. Some circumstances have separated us this year. I don't think either of us intended to grow this far apart. I sure didn't want us to. Reality is, though, that we did and I hope that one day, things will change. We've been friends for a long time and you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why we can't all be friends. I don't understand what brought us this far apart. And I don't understand what it will take to make things right. Things just have to work out on their own, I suppose. Just know, through everything, I'm still here if you need me.

Individual #3, I kind of saw this coming. Situations like this are always tricky. Here's the bottom line though: You don't have to like what I have to say. You can think it's unnecessary for the next 37847382095783 years. Because honestly? I don't care. I mean that in the nicest way, I promise. I'm going to think and feel a certain way and I'm allowed to express those thoughts and feelings in any way I choose. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not saying anything malicious. Yet, at the same time, you are entitled to think that this blog and what I write in it is uncalled for. That's okay. It makes sense to me why you would think that. However, just because you think that, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing it. I love writing, that's not going to change. I also understand why we can't be as close as we used to be. It, too, makes sense to me. I do, and will, miss you. We had a lot of good times. You're fun to be around, sweet, and understanding. Things happen, though. People change and move on and grow. It stinks we can't be as close as we used to be, but I'd still be there in a minute if you needed me.

Individual #4, I don't know what you have in store for you, actually. I just pray that even though we've gone through a lot of ups and downs these past few years, we stay close when we go to college. This is probably the goodbye I'm dreading the most.

Oh, and "Individual #32?" I didn't know you cared enough to read what I have to say; thank you so much. And I mean that sincerely.

Chapter Two

"Mr. Know-It-All; think you know it all but you don't know a thing at all. Ain't it something y'all when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do. So you take it down like another pill to swallow. Mr.Bring-Me-Down, well you like to bring me down, don't cha? But I ain't laying down. Baby I ain't   going down. Can't nobody tell me how it's going to be, nobody can make a fool out of me. Baby, you should know that I lead not follow." - Kelly Clarkson

Individual #1, That first hour biology class was probably the highlight of my freshman year. Two of our guy friends, you, and I were probably the funniest group ever. Remember the "spider-killer?" It makes me laugh even now. I've never seen a high school boy so afraid of spiders. You were there for me a lot that year; it was a horrible, horrible year. Two break-ups, a boy giving me mixed signals (who continues to give me mixed signals to this day!), and a friendship ending in a less than civil way. I'll be honest, it sucked. But you helped me through it. God bless you for that. It was so much to handle. Shoot, when my locker was next to my ex-boyfriends; I gave you my combination and you went to my locker for me. Then when I met someone new, you went to the movies with me to see the dumbest action movie ever. We couldn't even see the subtitles, so we had to stand up any time that any of the foreign people talked. Dakota Fanning regrets that one, FOR SURE. Summary of freshman year; you were always there for me. No matter what happens or how angry either of us gets at the other, I will always think of you as a true best friend because of that year.

Individual #2, I don't remember when we started being friends instead of enemies. I've tried really really hard to remember, but I can't. I just remember we started hanging out more often. We became best friends, even at the age of eight. We would sit on the two slides that were attached at recess and talk to each other, most days. I remember one rainy day, I came over to your house with some jelly beans. I thought they were the greatest thing, because my dad had showed me this "game" where you could tell someone they were eating one flavor and actually they were eating something horrible. Cool, right? Anyways, you just burst out of no where and told me: "You know, when people ask me who I like, I tell them you." Oookay, honestly I had a blonde moment when you told me that. I truly thought you would say "you" back to them when they asked and not my name. But eventually it clicked; you liked me. And I liked you. But I was eight. I had no clue how to tell you that back. In fact, I'm pretty sure I never told you that I felt the same way back until years later.

Individual #3, In 9th grade, you also sat next to me in history. We talked a little, I think. Nothing serious. I still remember getting the impression that you felt you were above us all. Sophomore year, I was around you more. You were still dating my friend, so you were accepted into our group. We became better friends and hung out with just our group of friends. I don't remember there being any real problems, that year. I kind of did my own thing, back then.

Individual #4, I don't think we hung out much after that. Like I know we did sometimes and I know we texted on occasion. I just don't remember any real "hanging out" being done right after that initial sleepover. Junior year, I know we hung out sometimes. It was usually with a mutual friend, though. Towards the end of junior year, we started to talk more, I think. And I know that this summer we started to hang out more often. We had some adventures, didn't we?

Individual #5, On June 29th, 2008 I woke up like it was any other day. You had finally gotten a phone on your 14th birthday, so we had been texting. You told me that that day was the other girl's birthday and you were going to her party but maybe we'd meet up afterwards. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt by this. I thought that meant that you were going to pick her. I remember staring out the window, at one point, and thinking about how crazy I was about you. It may sound creepy, but I'd swear I was already falling in love with you. And you were going to pick her. My day went on as usual after that. I was hanging out with two of my guy friends later that night, when they began to ask me some strange questions about you. Like how I would feel if you asked me out, what would I say, and how much I liked you. I wanted you to ask me out; I liked you so much. But the thought of it made me nervous. I should have taken their questions as a sign, but I thought nothing of it at the time. It was close enough to the Fourth of July that people were lighting off small stuff. I was still with my two friends at a house down the street, just setting stuff off, when you showed up wearing that lopsided smile that I had grown to adore. That's when it hit me. You were there to ask me out. I don't know why the thought didn't occur to me earlier. I think I was just wrapped up in the fact that you went to her party and that must have meant you didn't like me. As soon as you showed up, I freaked out and ran down the street to my house. I was THAT nervous. Lucky for me, you followed close behind and came up to the door after I had went inside. I walked back outside and greeted you. I didn't even get a "hey" back, I just got "Uh, Jordan, would you, um, want to go to a movie sometime?" I couldn't even look at you, I was so shy and excited. I tossed out a "sure" and ran back inside, explaining that I needed my shoes. That was it. That was the start of us. And, come to find out, while you were at the other girls party, you showed them my picture and talked about how you were going to ask me out later. I was worried for nothing.