Suddenly

"Suddenly, I am in front of the lights; scary and beautiful at the same time. And every day, I try just to breathe. I want to show the world the truth inside of me. Suddenly, people know my name. Suddenly, everything has changed. Suddenly, I feel so alive; in the blink of an eye my dreams begin to reign. Suddenly time feels like the wind. It changes everywhere I go and I'm just trying to fit in. Now here I stand and I'm still just that girl. I'm following my heart in this amazing, crazy world." -Ashley Tisdale

It's amazing to me, how quickly things change and how quickly time passes and you forget things were ever different to begin with. Life goes on and for some reason, I didn't know that. I no longer appreciate the constant things in life. I used to favor routine. I would become furious when plans changed because I couldn't handle things being any different than they were. But now, I love something new. The old way I was living was wrong. Maybe not wrong, but just not right for me. Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense.

Suddenly, I appreciate the people who stick around. I needed to stop focusing on the people that brought me down and give more credit to the people that stuck around. The people who are kind and patient enough to understand that I have my moments and the people who help me through the darkest nights.

Suddenly, I see the world in color. You, and maybe you know who you are, held me in black in white for so long. I don't know if you even realized you were doing it, but you were. This fall, for the first time, the leaves shined in beautiful oranges and yellows and this winter I don't think will feel as gloomy. As dumb as it sounds, it feels lavender and not gray. I see the prettiest sunsets and sunrises and for some reason, I just never noticed them before.

Suddenly, I have a desire to create. I want to paint, a lot. So many times that my mood has shifted, I've wanted to paint and, for once, not punch something. I constantly doodle. All. The. Time. And even though people want to pay for my shoes, I will never accept money for them. I love making them too much to make people pay for them.

Suddenly, it's okay to think the way I do. I think that everyone should get a chance to get married to the person they love and to have a family. I think that tattoos and piercings are great. I think that the world should be a kinder place. I think that it's okay to wander around Price Chopper for hours because you can. I think that if breaking bottles helps you feel better, you should do it. I think it's okay not to like the way a person is now. I think that taking steps to better yourself shouldn't be frowned upon. I think that being the black sheep is okay. I think it's okay to be fearless. I also think it's okay to think that anyone that bullies someone should move to Mars. And I think that there is nothing wrong with loving yourself.

Suddenly, I only see the future. Not the past. If you're always looking in the rear-view mirror, you're only going to get into an accident. Don't hold grudges or they'll hold you back.

Suddenly, I am driven by my dreams. I want to go to K-State and become the best large animal vet I can be. Then, I want to move to Switzerland because that is one of the only places I have ever felt at home. Because of all these things, I stay involved with animals. I take a lot of science classes. I study German any chance I get. I try to motivate myself to save money (that's still a work in progress......) so I can move.

Suddenly, I am not afraid. Being a stick in the mud is boring. I actually socialize and don't feel so awkward about it. I go downtown with a bunch of kids and get lost for two hours and still find a way to laugh about it. I"m not afraid to drive downtown anymore either. I dye my hair with Koolaid because I've always wanted to and hope to God it doesn't go completely wrong. I tried to double pierce my own ears; which, in case you were wondering, the whole apple thing from The Parent Trap doesn't work with just yourself. I am not afraid to say things that are on my mind. I don't particularly care what people think because I'll be gone in a few months anyway. I'm not afraid of confrontation. I don't need protecting or defending anymore.

Suddenly, everything will be okay.

Dancing Away With My Heart

"I asked you to dance on the last slow song underneath the moon that was really like a disco ball. I remember my head on your shoulder and hoping that the song would never be over. I haven't seen you in ages. Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are. For me you'll always be eighteen, and beautiful, and dancing away with my heart." -Lady Antebellum

Anyone who really knows me at all knows that I despise high school with all of my heart. All I can ever really talk about his how much I love Manhattan and K-State and how I can't wait to get away from this town. Reality is, though, I am a little scared to leave. I've made a lot of memories here. I've met amazing people and lost them too. When I leave, I will forever hold these people and the memories made with them in my heart. Some will remain frozen in my mind a certain way because that's how I remember them best; that's when I felt that person and I were on top of the world.

For me, you'll always be eight or nine. You'll be with me building clubs, eating popsicles and jelly beans, and swimming all day, forever. My memories with you are my childhood; they're the kinds of memories I want my kids to make when they're little. Everyone deserves someone like you.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. Your willingness to forgive and accept me have changed the way I think. You've taught me that not every person out there will run and I needed that.

For me, you'll always be fifteen or sixteen. You and I really were on top of the world then, huh? You've helped me through so much stuff over the years and while we've had our ups and downs, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

For me, you'll always be fifteen. We'll always be in Biology together and we'll never stop laughing. We'll be at VBS and Zona with your brother. Those are the times I wish I could still have with you.

For me, you'll always be sixteen. You'll always have your guitar and you'll always have the passion you project in your music. In my mind, we're perpetual ninjas, tearing up the town.

For me, you'll always be seventeen. You'll always be sledding, driving poorly, and acting crazy when you're hyper.

For me, you'll always be fourteen. You'll be sweet and nice. You'll be the guy that held me and didn't want to argue. You'll be the guy who failed at kayaking with me. You'll forever be the guy that turned 2008 into one of the most enchanting years of my life.